HIStory - Chapter 1

Recall

"Yeah, thanks." Rip said, as he puts down the phone. All alone on his condo, he decides to go outside his balcony just to have some fresh air. As the wind blows his air, he stares outside, with a beer on his right hand, then looks at his watch.

He then decides to go back in by the time he hears a knock on his door. "Finally, pizza's here." Rip ordered an 18-inch pizza, getting ready for the night with his friends. After preparing all the sounds, food and drinks, he decides to just sit around and watch television while waiting. time passed, and he's had a couple of drinks already.

"Rip. Hey Rip. Wake up man." he heard, struggling to open his eyes. First thing he saw was his glasses in front of him, on the floor. Trying to get up, he found himself lying on the floor.

"What happened?" Josephine, one his close friends asked. Rip, trying to look around the place, can't figure out why his place is all messed up. "Hey, you're bleeding." Touching the left side of his head, he saw dried up blood.

"What time is it?" Rip asked his friends, having really bad headache. "It's 1 in the afternoon. I thought we're going out today. We've been trying to call you. What happened here?"

Finally standing up, Rip went to sit on the sofa and trying to fix himself. He then sees his other friend, Jaden, bring a pitcher of water and glass. "Here you go," he said. "Thanks man." It's 1 in the afternoon, at Rip's apartment with his friends Josephine, Jasmine and Jaden. "Are you feeling better? What happened here?" looking around as the place looks like it was hit by a tornado or something.

"I can't really remember anything. I remember last night I was talking with Josephine about today's plans, but obviously it slept my mind." Jamie, trying to aid Rip's bleeding, then said, "We were just talking last night and you sounded like you were not in the mood. What's wrong?"

"I.. I'm kind of having a hard time trying to recall how all of this happened.."

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Rip Aldridge is a University graduate Grew up very close to his family, he found it really hard to leave them even on short times. He is into sports, specifically basketball but also grew up learning other sports like soccer and swimming.

Living a very simple life, Rip never had the latest gadgets, not always the first one with the latest news, but always managed to stay updated and be happy with what's happening around him. Academic wise, he is a very dedicated student leader. Some students even end up hating him for following the rules and not trying to break even a single one. Even though he doesn't get the highest grades in class, he still manages to pass his subjects and get things done on time.

Rip was never an emotional guy until his last year in grade school. First time he ever got interested in getting to know someone. Not familiar with this feeling, he didn't know what exactly he had to do.

Days passed, and he was able to build the courage to go and talk to the girl he saw in one of the school events. The only problem is, everything started online. He was never able to build up the courage to talk to other people personally. But nevertheless, they even got closer and closer as the days pass. So he decides to get her a gift on her birthday, with the help of a friend. But, as what happens in some stories, not all things go the right way. His birthday gift was lost by his friend, and wasn't able to give he anything.

"Hey, how was your birthday?" Rip asked her. This was the last message they had with each other, not hearing from her ever again.

Not knowing how this should feel, it was the first time he felt the pain one goes through. "We weren't really together, but I really like her.." he says to himself, trying to cheer himself up despite what happened.

Rip knew, everything's gonna change from this point. He wasn't at his best self, and people were wondering why. Rip knew, this was the start of something he'll be waiting for the rest of his life.

Reflection

These past weeks, I've had trouble sleeping and most of the time I can't even explain why. Either, I can't sleep early because of watching shows, or I try to sleep early but ended up thinking too much.

But anyway, I haven't had the time to update this for a long time, but decided to do it now since I think I have to (especially after what I dreamt of last night..)

Before going to bed (at least these past weeks..) I usually try to find something to do until I get sleepy. Most of the time I just watch shows online until my eyes get  tired, but other times I just lay on my bed and play games or something on my iPod. Last night was nothing different, though I went to bed earlier than usual.

I couldn't sleep last night, been thinking too much of stuff. The kind of feeling that I really can't explain. Let's just leave it to "It's Complicated."

I've had trouble with myself and certain people I've met in my life, and I tried to reflect on them. Here's what I thought:

Point #1: "At some point in your life, you will meet some people who will do anything and everything to make you feel comfortable, to make you feel special, to make you feel important, until you end up as close friends. Once they have what they want/need, they will just leave you all of a sudden, without any reason or explanation, and pretend that nothing ever happened. It's like you never existed in their lives. True story."

Point #2: People have been asking me, ever since our family decided to migrate here in Canada — when are you planning to go back and visit? I guess here's the best answer I can give out, as of now: "I'm not interested in going back to the place where I came from, my place of origin, is the same as 'I'd rather save myself from getting hurt and feeling all the pain all over again, leaving myself broken in to small pieces, with no one to help me stand."

So yeah. That's just what I have thought so far. Though I can honestly say, I am partly okay and not okay at  the same time. Let's just say I'm not consistently okay, but I can manage.

I guess my dream had something to do with what I have been thinking. As I remember, I was with a good friend of mine. We attended this event just to have a good time. There were free food and drinks, and we decided to get some on our way home. On the bus, I remember that I was looking outside and everyone and everything was at pause. I remember seeing a tower with cars moving around them really fast. Then at some point, everything started moving again (like watching a movie when you just hit the play button..) and everyone, buses, cars, hit each other on the highway, and the cars spinning around the tower fell. There was chaos everywhere, and it felt like an earthquake. I was also looking for my good friend and I couldn't find her anywhere. I woke up not able to finish the dream because it scared me.

According to what I researched:

"To dream of an earthquake suggests that you are experiencing a major "shake-up" that is threatening your stability and foundation. The dream highlights your insecurity, fears, and sense of helplessness. Is  there something in your life that you feel at "fault" for?

If you find cover from the quake, you will overcome these challenges. If you become trapped or injured during the quake, you will suffer some sort of loss in your life. According to the bible, earthquakes symbolize God's anger and power."

So yeah. I guess I'm just not stable with the stuff that's happening around me. I can be happy then depressed. My mood's not consistent.

I guess I really need a big break, something that will take me away even for a while. And when I come back, I should feel better and stronger, I should be able to face these and not run away from them. I just need to find myself again.

Flash

You know how sometimes, when something bad is happened, or the moment when something bad is about to happen, or the like, certain memories will just flash right before your eyes? Not just random memories, but memories that you miss, and hoping everyday, that someday those memories will come to life again? The memories that, even if may hurt you, still remain special? The memories that you chose to keep, the memories that you love?

Well.. I've had my part with this moment.. A number of times, actually..

There's a time where I just slipped, and at that moment, before going down, those memories just flashed right before me, feeling like I was actually there. Good thing I didn't hit my head when I fell down, but that was one. Another was having those really bad days: from the moment you wake up, you know that it's gonna be a bad day, and from one thing to another, everything's just not going your way all day. I guess another would be, just feeling miserable, and wishing you could go back to those memories and just be happy again. And of course, there's that moment, when you see other couples, happy together, and you're in one corner wishing you could be with the person you love the most. But, here you are, away from them..

In other words, the days used to be really happy, when everything was going your way. Not that things are not going my way now, but everything just felt better before, and there's always one factor that will go my way, and there's really nothing I can do about it.. Maybe at the moment, or maybe forever.

So, everyday.. Each day, I wake up, and here I am. Trying to see the good when looking back to those memories, but of course.. Sometimes, or most of the time.. I can't help but feel down, missing all the good times I used to have, with the people I used to spend time with, with the people I care about, with the people I love.

Random share: Yesterday, as I was on the way to the hospital to get my eye checked, this song played on my iPod touch, which really made me down and miss everything I used to have. Wish I could just go back, and have those times again..

I miss you, you know who you are.. I'll see you again, someday..

So, here's the song: Never Had A Dream Come True by the S Club 7

This Is Who I Am.

Each person has their own ups and downs, their own traits, own characteristics, interests, or ways of doing stuff. Each has their way of handling things. Well, as for me, I guess I'm one of those who's easily taken in, and thrown out, just like that.

I am a learner: When I am interested in sometihng, or in somenoe, I try my best to know more about it. I tried to get each detail I need, remember everything that needs to be rememebered, do what needs to be done.

I am a good listener: I try to give my very best to listen to people, and not be the talkative one. I listen to their problems, give my opinion about it. I would rather listen to people, than tell them things I don't think they'll understand, or even appreciate.

I am often misjudged: People often judge me for how I look. Most people think I'm one of those bullies, or hard asses, and never give me the chance to show who I really am.

I get attached too easily: Once I'm already there, I often find it hard to let go, or even move one, whatever is involved in the situation. I learn to love and give my all, and when it's time, I find it really hard to just let go.

I often take things lightly: I easily forgive people when I get hurt, and I never tried hurting anyone. If I did, I never meant it to happen. I never get mad at people, I just try to forget what happened and be okay with it.

I eat my own words: I always tell other people, "Whenever something bad happens, something better will come along. There's a reason for this, and everything will be okay in the end." When it comes to dealing with myself, I can't even follow them.

I am a broken robot: Once I'm broken, I will never forget whatever happened, but I can forgive. But, the pain will always be there. No grudges or anything.

I am not famous: I'm not the best person in this world, I make a lot of mistakes, I always mess up, but, at least I try my best to be there when someone needs me. I don't have a lot of friends, but when someone needs one, I'm here.

I am not perfect: And I will never be, but as long as I'm alive, and breathing, I can say that I can try my best to be as perfect as I can. I never give up.

And, despite everything, all my imperfections, my mistakes, all the pain, I'm still here -- stuck, and alone. Sometimes, I feel like, giving up is the only option left, but there's always the other road to take, that if I just go on, it can take me to a place where I can really be happy.

This is who I am. A mess. A complicated, misjudged robot.

Wake-up

I've always been curious as to why we are having certain dreams -- why we see them, why do we remember only a part of our dream, and sometimes never, all those stuff. It even feels real sometimes, after we wake-up. I just wonder why these things appear in our dreams, even if we don't really think of them through the day. Maybe, they're there and we're just trying not to think about it? Or we're trying to avoid and it just happens in our dreams instead?

Some dreams have meanings, basically concerning our life. As such:

To dream that you are crying indicates a release of depressing feelings that may be closely linked to actual happenings in your waking life rather than scenes from the dream itself. Your dream may be a means to restore emotional stability whilst providing an appropriate outlet for your tears and frustrations. As people go through their everyday lives, they tend to push back, ignore, disallow, or repress their true emotions. It is only through their dreams that they are able to unmask their persona and truly express feelings.

To wake up crying indicates the mourning of your soul. It also connotes your need to modify the ways you deal with situations in life.

Then, after waking up, it'll just keep us occupied for the rest of the day until we forget about them again, and start dreaming of them again. It's just like a cycle, and I guess the only way to solve this is just to not run away from them, but find solutions. But, it's not that easy, right?

Oh, life..

RANT #1

I'm pissed at you most of the time, but I've never really been THIS angry with you for a long time. What's wrong about you is you always think you're right. You NEVER try to listen to what the other person is trying to say. Whenever the other person is saying something, you will always come up with an argument just to show you're right EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT. You ALWAYS assume when things don't go the way you want them to. You're bossy, you ALWAYS tell us what to do, and you're ALWAYS the one choosing. It's like you're the one living the lives of other people, it's like you're treating everyone as slaves. Well, GUESS WHAT. WE'RE NOT SLAVES. AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WILL CURSE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT?

IF YOU WANT TO BE RESPECTED, LEARN HOW TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT PUT WORDS ON THEIR MOUTHS. LEARN HOW TO LISTEN, NEVER ASSUME, AND DON'T BOSS PEOPLE AROUND. NOT EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS GO YOUR WAY. YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, BUT YOU THINK YOU ARE WHICH IS JUST FUCKING WRONG. I HATE YOU, REALLY. AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, OR TALK TO YOU. FUCK YOU!!

Dreams.. Again.. Why?

I've always wondered as to why we are having dreams, or what are the basis of our dreams. I guess I'm beginning to understand, little by little. I'm just not sure if I'm getting them right.

Just yesterday, I've had several dreams (again) which got me thinking up to now. I really can't remember everything that happened in the dream, just the portion that really bothered me. So I ask myself, are these dreams signs? What do they actually mean?

Yesterday around 3pm, I took a nap because I wasn't really feeling well. My legs were hurting from the other day because I ran from our house to the movie house just to catch a movie -- because there were not much buses that time. There was one, but I wasn't near a bus stop. Anyway, so I slept for four hours -- woke up at 7pm. As usual, after waking up, I don't really feel like myself, especially if I remember what happened in my dream. I sit for a while, try to remember what happened, because everything felt real, as if I was really there.

So I was with a group of friends -- and basing from how they look, I haven't really met them in person, but I've read somewhere that these are not imaginary. These are real people I haven't met yet. Anyway, we were going to this party, and for some reason, (you know how dreams change just like that) as we were going down the building, it felt like riding a horror train. It just kept getting dark, and at some point, when it got darker, me and my other friend just suddenly fainted after someone from our right then our left shouted at us out of nowhere, trying to scare us. I guess we fainted after we hit our heads when we fell down. Then I woke up on my bed, and my other friend who also fainted was sitting right beside me waiting for me to wake up. She then hugged me, and I kissed her on the cheek, and at least we were okay.

Just this morning, after waking up at 8am, I had a set of dreams. One of them I guess is as scary as the one before, but the other two that I can remember is just weird. So I was with two friends (again I haven't seen there faces ever) and we entered this house -- it even looked like our house before. We were trying to look for something I think, I really can't remember. At some point, my friend and I decided to go out of the house, only to find out there were a couple of SWAT people I think, pointing their guns at us. So when my friend decided to make a run for it, she ended up getting shot. I was by the door, wiping my face with my handkerchief, and the SWAT person sitting on the window told me to go back inside, but I didn't and made a run for it. I ended up getting shot, I was there on the ground, face first. I felt each shot with pain, but for some reason I was still breathing, but just lying on the ground. If kind of felt like from the movie "Quarantine" where you will get shot by the SWAT team outside if you go out and escape.

My other dream was I was with a group of friends again, and this time I know how they are. I just can't remember who the others are but for sure they're my friends. So that was a big group of friends, but we have to be separated because we were in a restaurant we we have different orders. As I remember, we were having dinner, and after we had a few rounds of beer. We were even waiting for our other friends to come but they were not able to make it. In relation to this dream, my next dream was the next day I think. I went to this school, and as a transferee. Before even showing the documents to the secretary, I decided to go have a look around the school, and as I remember I was looking for this long time friend of mine, but also trying to avoid some people as to not get in to trouble. Anyway, after 20 min I think, because I remember looking at the clock, and that was already 11:30am, I went back to the office to present my documents to the secretary, and everything was done. So I went to have a look around again, and I remember seeing a couple of friends, and even a relative there. I remember telling one of my friends there that we were waiting for him last night (the other dream).

So as usual, I looked up for their meanings. I really can't find the exact meanings if I try to explain my dream, but this is what I got:

1) To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster, represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents. 

To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing feelings of self-doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life. Perhaps you are having second thoughts about a decision you have made. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life. 

2) To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation.

3)  To see or drink beer in your dream, represents happiness, fogginess, or inspiration. It also indicates that you have quite a social life.

To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend, indicates positive news. 

To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities. Things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend suggests that you have been acting in a childish manner. You need to start acting like an adult. 

To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. If you are still in school and dream about school, then the dream may just be a reflection of your daily life and has no special significance. 

Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience.

I really don't know how I feel right now, as I am not really sure what these dreams mean -- why should I dream of them, and why do some of my dreams contradict with each other? Some of my dreams show negativity, and some show positivity. I don't know what's the next thing for me to do, or who I should talk to, if I should tell this to someone, or what. I'm just not feeling like myself right now. I feel like I'm on an island all by myself, without anyone to approach, nothing to do.

Everything just really hurts right now..

Complicated

What we want, isn't always what we get in the end. It's usually what we need, and we just learn to appreciate them, even if it's not really what we desire.

I guess, things are just really temporary. One day, you'll get something, appreciate it, get attached, learn to love it, and next thing you know.. It's out of your life. Then, something new comes along. It's always like this, it's a never ending cycle.

Another thing is, I guess we really can't compare our lives with those we read from books, magazines, comics, or even watch on television or movies. Yes, those are based on real-life experiences, but aren't they, at the same time, over-exaggerated?

Sometimes, we dream or imagine about ourselves having better lives -- being a superhero to someone, having those special powers, acquiring the latest gadgets, or even being with the person we love the most. But, once we go back to reality, that's it. There's nothing else we can do, but just to dream again. What's hard about this is, if we believe that something like that can happen, we'll just be living a lie. We'll just be living in this fantasy world where we believe that what we want as of the moment can happen just like that.

What sucks about something like this is, we always tell ourselves that one day, this can happen to us too.  So we'll just keep on believing, even if we know deep inside of us, it's just another dream that can only happen in our minds, just another page in our book.. Just, something we created, to help ourselves feel better. And one day, all the pain will just sink in, and drown us.

Sometimes, I often get stuck in this imaginary world, especially when it comes to being someone's special person. I often dream about being a superhero, as the superhero (most of the time) gets to be with the person they love in the end. But, I guess that can only happen in my imaginary world.

Life's complicated, isn't it?

Letting Go

In relation to my last post, I guess goodbye can also mean to let go, -- may be temporarily, or may even be permanently. To let go means to not really forget, but to just move on, and keep moving forward. But, letting go has never really been easy for everyone, especially those who have really invested/worked really hard for what they want.

Some people always talk like letting go is that easy, but really, it isn't. The process goes like this: try not to live in the past, keep yourself busy all the time, and always try to stay positive, whatever happens. If ever you're reminded of the past, just think of it as a challenge for you to do better. It's like that every time, but when you're put in the situation, it can really challenge you.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, you will always be reminded of something from the past. You will always end up thinking of the "what if's" instead of the what already happened and what you can do about it.

The question that I have been asking myself for a long time now is, how can someone be happy, or at least try to be positive, when all that he ever wanted, everything that he dreamed of, just vanished in front of him? Yes, some things happen for a reason, and something better will always come after. But, has this really been proven? What if what you used to have is the one thing that can bring happiness in your life? What if it's still better compared to what comes next?

Life is just a cycle: some things enter our life, and at some point in our time, we just have to let go, no matter how hard it is. We will never learn the proper way of letting go, and we will always have those scars to remind us of how happy we were before, and how much it hurt when it's time to say goodbye.

Goodbye

Everyday, there are certain words we use without really thinking of what they exactly mean, as a single word can mean anything depending on how they are used. A single word can change a lot of things, from one situation to another.

One of the most used words (as I know of..) is the word "goodbye" or in a shorter version "bye". This is often used when we're about to part ways with someone, or even something, we may be close with, or just to have a proper manner of leaving something. But when we say it, what do we really mean by it? Does it mean "See you soon/some other time/etc"? Or maybe "We'll keep in touch." or it's one of those times where you will never see or hear from each other again?

In my life I've had to say goodbye to a lot of people and things in my life, and it wasn't really that easy for me. I grew up to be someone who gets attached easily to someone/something, or just someone who loves company and finds it hard to part ways with someone/something. I'm someone who grew up, and learned to love whatever comes my way, and find it hard to just let go when it's time.

Goodbye, is a short, yet very complicated word when used. It can bring joy to someone, as it can mean to looking forward to another day seeing you, or it can also break you in to pieces, as it can be permanent -- depending on the situation, maybe because of problems, or even death.

So, when we say goodbye, what do we really mean by it? How do you properly say goodbye, without having anyone get hurt?

Year One

It's been a year and 2 weeks since my life changed, has turned to a whole new level, and made me a different person. It's been a year and 2 weeks since my eyes were opened to a new world, a world full of opportunities, a world with a new beginning. But, not everytime something like this happens, means it's for the better; doesn't necessarily mean it's doing any good. And, some things just don't change in a snap.. Or, not even at all. Some things, are just really meant to stay.. Forever..

People say, things always happen for a reason, and we will never really know what those reasons are, because when something happens, it's followed by something else, and it just goes on and on. It's a cycle of events. But, how will we know if what we have right in front of us, is the one thing that will stay with us forever? The one thing that we can't ever let go, whatever we do?

When you fail at something, we must always try to get back, and make up for what has been lost. But, sometimes.. There's really nothing we can do about it, especially if we feel that what we lost, is the one thing that has been keeping us going all this time; the only thing that makes us say "I love life."; especially of we think what we lost is the best for us.

Sometimes in life, what once made us really happy and complete, is also the one thing that's stopping us from feeling alive.

Life is hard, and will always be hard. The problems will always be there to bother us 24/7, and answers will always be hard to find. But, that doesn't mean we will just give up with life. Life goes on, and the only thing we can do is move forward, no matter how hard it can be.

Down and feeling Blue

This morning has to be one of those "I wish I never felt this way, ever.." mornings. I haven't really been feeling well for a long time already, but this morning just feels different compared to the other mornings.

I haven't really spoken to any of my friends since yesterday. I just want to know what can happen if I just stop and let things happen the other way. I just want to know how it feels when one is remembered for something good, and not remembered because they need something. I want to know how it feels to be on someone's mind, to be missed, and to be spoken to first. I just want to stop feeling this way. It's like this for me everyday. I'm getting tired of feeling like this, but most of the time I just can't help but fall down, again.. And again.. And again..

Everyday, I've been telling myself "I'll be okay.. I can do this.. Please, let me do this.." And I always end up going the other way. Maybe I should just stop forcing myself through things, and just let them happen  by themselves. I don't know..

I am not happy..

Wishes

"..I want to see you clearly, come closer to this.. But all I remember, are dreams in the mist.."

I'm just gonna go straight to the point. I don't know how else I'll be able to write this.

The past two nights, I've had dreams -- dreams that I wish happened in reality, and not just stayed as dreams. I guess some are just too good to be true, right?

Anyway, the other night (and as the other times I've had dreams) I really can't remember everything that happened. Just a portion of it, and for some reason, those parts are what I usually remember. I don't know if it was meant for me to remember, or I just try remember them. Anyway, what happened there was, I was with her and with a couple of friends. Then at some point in the dream, as we were walking along a corridor, to the room on my left were a number of guys with guns, and the same thing to the room on my right. The people on our right pointed the gun at us, and made us go to the other room (where the other guys are) and then I realized that these guys are in some kind of war. The dream then shifted to me with her and a couple of friends in a dim lighted room, and they were beating her for some reason. It made me sad because I wasn't able to do anything to save her. I think I was on my knees and my hands were tied at my back. Then after that, I was lifting her and I tried bringing her to the hospital or some emergency room but they were closed and I don't even know why. So we went outside, and she was back on her feet. So we went to the park and there we just had fun, and we were kissing each other.

Just this morning when I woke up, I remembered again my dream. It's kind of similar to the dream before. it's just a short dream. It actually felt like I was in some kind of magical world, where powers and magic were possible to only some people. I remember that I was able to jump really high, from the ground up to the roof, or it can get higher. I was able to control minds of people like Professor X. Anyway, so I think we were at a library, or at some bookstore and we were sitting down. Some books were open in front of us. I can't really remember if she was doing any work or we were just reading. We were sweet there -- with all the hugging, and me kissing her on the forehead, holding hands, just like how we were before.

Anything can happen in our dreams, right? And, it just sucks that these are just too good to be true. Maybe it won't happen now, but I'm still hoping, wishomg that one day, someday, it can and will happen.

I miss having my arms around you to keep you safe, kissing you on your head or forehead to give you comfort, holding your hands real tight to let you know that I'm just here for you, hugging you real tight to let you know that I love you, and I will always love you.

I really miss you.. :(

Lesson

Things haven't really been going the way I want them too, but I guess that's just the reality of life. Things won't always go out way, whatever we do. It will always be "Whatever's happening now will be for the better of yourself, will be your benefit."

This is one of those lines that I just thought of, but when you think about it, it's true, right? Some, or even majority of things in life are easier said than done. We are able to say stuff properly, but when it comes to our situation, we really can't help ourselves. For certain reasons we can't understand, we are always, ALWAYS, able to help others more than ourselves.

Right now, it's just one of those days that I'm not really feeling well. I wake up in the morning, feeling the same way again. "Oh, it's just gonna be another long day with nothing to do." Things haven't really been going well for me, maybe because I haven't really settled myself here. Nothing's really happening right now, still on the adjustment phase.

Most of the time, I've been thinking of what may happen if certain things didn't really happen, or how my life will be if things happened differently. All I can say is, I really don't know.

I'm not really the happiest person on Earth. I've been thinking too much of everything, and not really able to take care of myself most of the time. What keeps me going though, is, just believing that things will just get better soon.

For the past months, I've been talking with some of my friends, and these friends have really inspired me to just keep going with life, and just to accept things the way they are. Whatever's happening now, will just be for my better, and will always be. I may not see it now, but maybe sometime in the future, I'll feel it.

Patience, is something I haven't really been for a long time now. But, when I think about what my friends have told me, and how their lives have been, I think I should just try to learn how to be one. It's like a skill, it'll take some time to learn it and to perfect it. May not be perfect, but close to perfecct.

These friends have inspired me, that by being patient with time, with yourself, with everyone and everything, things will just fall in to place. May not be the way we want them to, but it will always be better than how we want them to be. These friends have showed me, that with patience, in time, I will be that happy again. This is what really keeps me going, thinking of how I'll be.

So, friends, thank you, for always being the inspiration I need to go on with my life, to just accept things the way they are, and be happy about them. Thank you because, because of you, I am able to gain strength, and confidence with myself. I am able to believe that better things are just in store for me. Because of you guys, seeing how your lives are, helps me become a better person, to believe in myself and to just be strong. So, thank you.

A Solitary Traveler

Have you ever felt in your entire life like you're the only one living in this world? The feeling that when you walk around, no one sees you, when you just pass through people and objects like a free spirit? Or maybe like those in movies, when you belong to the youngest batch, and when you walk everyone just bumps you like no one cares? Or maybe, feel like you're Robert Neville from I Am Legend, where you only have one friend with you and it's a dog, and everyone else has disappeared from your life?

We live in a really big world, and it's a big mystery most of the time as to why we feel like we're the only ones left in this world. You go out, walk around the village, and you don't see anyone in sight. All you see is a big empty landscape, a clear sky, and feel the wind pass through. You look up the at the sun at the start of the day, wondering what's in store for you, only to find out that it's the same thing everyday. Sometimes, you'll even think that you see someone, but it's all in your imagination. The closer the get, the more they fade away from your vision.

It'll always be a mystery as to why certain stuff happen in our lives, the thing we want most is what we don't usually get. The thing we worked really hard for, we'll lose them in just a snap. And, of course, we will get what we need even if it's not what we really want. Maybe not now, but in time.

But, with all these, have you ever wondered as to how our lives will be if we have control of what may happen? Do you think it'll be more complicated or simpler compared to the present time? Do you think you'll be happier or it'll make no difference?

Life has a lot of mysteries and complications, questions that will remained unanswered for a long time. As to myself, I still have a lot of things on my mind, and I still haven't figured out how I'll be able to handle them.

All I know is, I feel alone.. Most of the time.. And I'm alone on this journey..

It Was Only Just A Dream -- One, and Another.

I'm not sure if I should be happy about my dream or not, or if I should expect anything to happen or just let it pass. Maybe it's all in my mind, but I don't know.

Just this morning when I woke up at around 7:40am, I actually remembered a part of my dream again. It was actually kind of confusing, because I don't know if it is what I really want right now, or ever, but for some reason it made me smile for a while, but not really that happy; just confused.

So I slept again after 20 minutes I think, and woke up at around 9:30am, finding myself remembering what happened again in my dream. And, this time, I'm definitely sure it's not what I want to happen ever in my life.

What happened in the first dream was, I was with a couple of friends and this girl, and it felt like the girl and I had something special. We were talking all the time, laughing and we were really close. I like the girl in reality, but I'm not sure if it's what I want to have with her in real life.

The other dream is the feelings brought me back to the past, where there is too much pain and confusion with everything. I was arguing with this person really special to me, and nothing really good was happening with us that time. Everything was just not happening the way I want them to happen. And, yes, I was in so much pain that time.

So I woke up, and thought to myself, these are just dreams. But, why should I have those dreams in a day, and remember them both? So again, I researched for the meaning:

To dream that you have a crush on somebody, is a literal reflection of your attraction and fascination for that person. To see your crush in your dream, represents your current infatuation with him or her. If you find yourself thinking about him during the day, then it is understandable that his image will appear in your dream during the night. If you dream of your crush frequently, then your dream maybe be telling you that it is time to let this person know how you feel, especially if you are dreaming of him or her in a good way. Only good things can happen from you telling your crush. Even if he or she is not interested, at least you can move on and stop wasting time on him or her.

I really can't find the meaning to the other dream, but I'm just guessing that maybe it has something to do with what's happening in present time, how I've been feeling about this and my fears of what may happen.

I don't know. I'm just really confused and hurt right now with everything that's happening. I'm in a constant battle with my feelings, and I just want to get away for a while. I just want to run away, but I guess that won't help me either. I really need a break. If I can't have a good day, please, let me sleep well. :(

In My Dreams

In our dreams, whatever happens there, are there for certain reasons. They  may be what we've been thinking of too much for a long time, or signs of how we've been feeling, and the like. Dreams are also rarely remembered by the person, but some dreams are actually still present in our minds once we wake up. May not be the whole dream, but some parts of it we remember.

Just this morning, I actually had one of those dreams again (yes, another dream.) I've been having a lot of dreams for the past months, dreams that are not really nice or not healthy for me. It's one of those dreams that I had because of how I've been feeling for a long time now.

I really can't remember the whole dream, but what happened there as I remember was, we were back at home. I was with my family, and we were at the living room. Then a moment later, something was trying to force itself to enter the front door, and for some reason we have an idea what it was. I was trying to lead the family on what we should do, on how to prevent it from going inside the house. The first try of blocking the door was successful, but at some point, it tried to enter the front door again, but that time I was the only one on the door blocking the way. When it was inside the house already, I don't really know what happened but it felt like it went inside me, and after that the dream kind of changed. It's like a different story all of a sudden.

What happened next was different. I felt like I was powerful, and I was in a battle with someone I don't know. I was throwing stuff at whoever he is, and at some point, I got a puppy, and saw all our other dogs before. :( I miss them.

Anyway, it's not as heavy as my other dreams before, but still I had it. So of course, I researched for the meaning, and here's what I got (though I don't know if it's accurate.)

You are regretting the loss of most of your acquiantances. This may be due to real loss or merely from isolation and loneliness.

I'm not sure if this is the real meaning for the dream, but it actually has a point. It's actually what I've been feeling for a long time now. Maybe, I'll have more of these kinds of dreams in the next days, as I am still not really in my best self. I'm still in a battle with my own life, and I'm really having a hard time already. Whatever I do, something bad always happens. Nothing right's happening for me.

Heaven and back

It's officially June, and yes, it's a late welcome.

I've thought about how I will write about this, and up to now I'm still unsure. Just last week, I had those dreams again, the kind of dream that when you wake up, you remember what happened, and you kind of have a hangover. You will just think about your dream for a long time, and ask yourself why you had that dream.

I really can't remember everything, but this is what I recall. The first dream I had was, I was with my family, and i remember my dad was driving the car. I was seated in front, and my mom and siblings were at the back. We were back home, and my dad was taking a short cut that time. At some point, all the cars ahead of us were making a U-Turn, and what I saw was a lady pointing a gun at us. For some reason, my dad was calm at that time, but I wasn't. He just made a U-Turn, and there we go.

The other dream, I was in my room, back home, and I was with a couple of relatives. I think they were my siblings, or my cousins, not really sure. Then, it just happened. I didn't really die or anything, but the light was directed to me, and everyone went like "It's your time." Then I just flew, felt like, and there was happiness in me. I went up to the skies, and after that I really can't remember anything.

Up to this day, I'm still wondering as to why I had those dreams. So I researched for the meaning, and this is what I got.

1. To see a gun in your dream, symbolizes aggression, anger, and potential danger. You may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You feel victimized in some situation.

2. Psychological Meaning: To dream of a heavenly paradise may represent your desire to find perfect happiness. You may be trying to escape from what you perceive to be your banal and depressing life. 

Your dream gives you a welcome break from reality and serves to restore your feeling of optimism and hope. You desire to achieve the inner balance and wholeness that is your spiritual destiny.

Then, I thought. I've been in a war with myself for a long time now, having problems that I really can't solve on my own, having issues I don't even know how to face. Maybe I've been down for so long, and I just needed this for myself. Just like what it said, "Your dream givs you a welcome break from reality and serves to restore your feeling of optimism and hope."

I'm in continuous search of that happiness, the happiness I need. Actually, I know what makes me happy, but at the same time, it also breaks my heart. Maybe I still haven't found the other stuff that make me happy too.

Iris

What you want is not always what you need.

This is something that has been going in and out of my mind for a long time now. I guess that's the reality of life. We desire a lot of things, hope and pray that someday we'll get them, but most of the time, it's not what we need, maybe now, or maybe forever.

The same as my other days in life, I wake up in the morning feeling this way. Not really getting any better, whatever I do to distract myself, or to keep myself busy. For some reason, whatever I do, I always end up associating them with something from the past, and it drowns me. Whatever it is that I do, I always find myself falling down this deep well, and not being able to get out of it for a long time.

Also, the same as every morning of my life, when I wake up, for some reason, there's always a song playing in my head and it just goes on and on. I don't know if it's just a coincidence or what, it didn't really enter my mind when I woke up, but just thought of it hours later. This song has been a big impact on me (and I don't even know if it's good or bad.) But, most of the time, I feel bad when I hear this song, but I just can't stop listening to it.

This video, Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, has been haunting me for years now. It's not really a sad song, but I guess it can be in a way. The first thing that comes to mind when I listen to this song is whatever happened with me in the past. I guess it's because of certain lines from the song, or maybe because of the person involved, the one who made me like this song so much. It used to be a great song for me, but because some things in life have to end, it just feels different now.

Present time, this song continues to haunt me. As the song goes, "And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.." I guess I've been hiding from a lot of stuff for a long time already,, just trying to see what effect it will have on me. But then, I realized, there's not much difference actually, whether I'm there or not. So sometimes,  I would rather not show myself and just mind my own business. Sad, I know.

Then this other line goes "When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.."  I just want you to know who I am, a line which I really can't explain why, I can't find the perfect words, has really hit me. Maybe because of how I've been feeling these past months, which is most of the time I feel like I'm alone. It's hard, really. But, at this point, I guess there's really nothing I can do about it.

How can one be strong enough to go on, if the thing that's keeping them going is the same thing that brought them in this mess?

The Letter X

For the past months, I've been trying to look for answers as to why such things should happen to us. I've been trying to figure out if there are indeed answers to these questions, or they will just remain a mystery to us.

This day, as I was trying to think of a concept so I could take new pictures, I remembered some of the old photos I took, and there's this specific photo that hit me.

This is a picture of our street with the pedestrian crossing sign I took a couple of months ago. As I remember, I took a number of shots that day, and tried making everything black and white except for one object; in this case, the sign is the only colored item left.

So when I remembered this photo, it hit me. Pedestrian crossings can be, in a way, similar to what each and every one of us is going through. As you can see, their sign is the big X, may it be a pedestrian crossing, a railroad crossing, or what. What's the purpose of these crossings? It's where one should pass by, walk or drive through, avoiding any accidents. It's just a passage way for everyone.

Then I tried looking back again with some stuff that happened with my life, or with what I know, and it just occurred to me that there have been a number of crossing in my life already. It's another way of saying, things in life come and go. Not everything is permanent. One day it's here, next thing you know, it's somewhere else already. Just like a crossing, it just passes you by. Just like the sign, "X", it can  be compared to the ex in reality, which is something from the past. Things will come in your life, and you won't even know if it will last or not. Just like me, I've felt that X already. I've been the X, or I am X.

As sad as it sounds, all of us have our own Xs, or all of us are Xs and we just sometimes won't admit it or can't see it.

And, whatever we do, we will always be that X in whatever way. And, I'm sure, even with the bad experiences, we will always miss them. I know I do, I still do. So much..

Just like a Maze

Have you ever felt like you're unsure about what's happening around you? Unsure, in a way that you don't know what's happening, what concerns you, or even how you feel about certain stuff? You don't know whether to feel happy or not about certain feelings, to think about them or just let them pass?

For some reason, it hit me today. I've been in a stage for the past months, trying to find that happiness inside me, trying to feel better with everything that's happening. And, let me tell you, it's not that easy, considering that I'm always home, same thing everyday. Still no work, not being able to meet new people (because it's not that easy, even though people say it is.) I just find it awkward to approach someone out of the blue.

Anyway, I just thought of writing this, so I could let it out. I'm not really sure who I can tell this, because I don't really know who I can still trust. Err.. I just need to let this out because it kind of confuses me, with how I should feel: if what I'm feeling is true, or it's just trying to help mend the wound, take away all the pain.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like I like this something, but when I think about it, when I try to analyze things, I always end up telling myself "That's nothing. Your heart's just playing with you." And, I'm not really sure about this feeling, since I've been away for so long already. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a cave, always at home, rarely goes out. Whenever I go out, I'm not that familiar with the stuff around me. But anyway, when I think about it, it kind of gives me this happy but confusing feeling. I just wanna know, what else can I do because I don't want to be confused with anything anymore. Whenever I'm in this stage, I just end up hurting myself, or someone else. But when I'm sure, it's always not the right time.

I just want to know, how it feels to be alive.. Again.

Btw, I've been taking lots of pictures and been editing them as well. Come and visit my site, and check out my photos. :) Click here or on the image below. :)