Reflection

These past weeks, I've had trouble sleeping and most of the time I can't even explain why. Either, I can't sleep early because of watching shows, or I try to sleep early but ended up thinking too much.

But anyway, I haven't had the time to update this for a long time, but decided to do it now since I think I have to (especially after what I dreamt of last night..)

Before going to bed (at least these past weeks..) I usually try to find something to do until I get sleepy. Most of the time I just watch shows online until my eyes get  tired, but other times I just lay on my bed and play games or something on my iPod. Last night was nothing different, though I went to bed earlier than usual.

I couldn't sleep last night, been thinking too much of stuff. The kind of feeling that I really can't explain. Let's just leave it to "It's Complicated."

I've had trouble with myself and certain people I've met in my life, and I tried to reflect on them. Here's what I thought:

Point #1: "At some point in your life, you will meet some people who will do anything and everything to make you feel comfortable, to make you feel special, to make you feel important, until you end up as close friends. Once they have what they want/need, they will just leave you all of a sudden, without any reason or explanation, and pretend that nothing ever happened. It's like you never existed in their lives. True story."

Point #2: People have been asking me, ever since our family decided to migrate here in Canada — when are you planning to go back and visit? I guess here's the best answer I can give out, as of now: "I'm not interested in going back to the place where I came from, my place of origin, is the same as 'I'd rather save myself from getting hurt and feeling all the pain all over again, leaving myself broken in to small pieces, with no one to help me stand."

So yeah. That's just what I have thought so far. Though I can honestly say, I am partly okay and not okay at  the same time. Let's just say I'm not consistently okay, but I can manage.

I guess my dream had something to do with what I have been thinking. As I remember, I was with a good friend of mine. We attended this event just to have a good time. There were free food and drinks, and we decided to get some on our way home. On the bus, I remember that I was looking outside and everyone and everything was at pause. I remember seeing a tower with cars moving around them really fast. Then at some point, everything started moving again (like watching a movie when you just hit the play button..) and everyone, buses, cars, hit each other on the highway, and the cars spinning around the tower fell. There was chaos everywhere, and it felt like an earthquake. I was also looking for my good friend and I couldn't find her anywhere. I woke up not able to finish the dream because it scared me.

According to what I researched:

"To dream of an earthquake suggests that you are experiencing a major "shake-up" that is threatening your stability and foundation. The dream highlights your insecurity, fears, and sense of helplessness. Is  there something in your life that you feel at "fault" for?

If you find cover from the quake, you will overcome these challenges. If you become trapped or injured during the quake, you will suffer some sort of loss in your life. According to the bible, earthquakes symbolize God's anger and power."

So yeah. I guess I'm just not stable with the stuff that's happening around me. I can be happy then depressed. My mood's not consistent.

I guess I really need a big break, something that will take me away even for a while. And when I come back, I should feel better and stronger, I should be able to face these and not run away from them. I just need to find myself again.