Down and feeling Blue

This morning has to be one of those "I wish I never felt this way, ever.." mornings. I haven't really been feeling well for a long time already, but this morning just feels different compared to the other mornings.

I haven't really spoken to any of my friends since yesterday. I just want to know what can happen if I just stop and let things happen the other way. I just want to know how it feels when one is remembered for something good, and not remembered because they need something. I want to know how it feels to be on someone's mind, to be missed, and to be spoken to first. I just want to stop feeling this way. It's like this for me everyday. I'm getting tired of feeling like this, but most of the time I just can't help but fall down, again.. And again.. And again..

Everyday, I've been telling myself "I'll be okay.. I can do this.. Please, let me do this.." And I always end up going the other way. Maybe I should just stop forcing myself through things, and just let them happen  by themselves. I don't know..

I am not happy..

Wishes

"..I want to see you clearly, come closer to this.. But all I remember, are dreams in the mist.."

I'm just gonna go straight to the point. I don't know how else I'll be able to write this.

The past two nights, I've had dreams -- dreams that I wish happened in reality, and not just stayed as dreams. I guess some are just too good to be true, right?

Anyway, the other night (and as the other times I've had dreams) I really can't remember everything that happened. Just a portion of it, and for some reason, those parts are what I usually remember. I don't know if it was meant for me to remember, or I just try remember them. Anyway, what happened there was, I was with her and with a couple of friends. Then at some point in the dream, as we were walking along a corridor, to the room on my left were a number of guys with guns, and the same thing to the room on my right. The people on our right pointed the gun at us, and made us go to the other room (where the other guys are) and then I realized that these guys are in some kind of war. The dream then shifted to me with her and a couple of friends in a dim lighted room, and they were beating her for some reason. It made me sad because I wasn't able to do anything to save her. I think I was on my knees and my hands were tied at my back. Then after that, I was lifting her and I tried bringing her to the hospital or some emergency room but they were closed and I don't even know why. So we went outside, and she was back on her feet. So we went to the park and there we just had fun, and we were kissing each other.

Just this morning when I woke up, I remembered again my dream. It's kind of similar to the dream before. it's just a short dream. It actually felt like I was in some kind of magical world, where powers and magic were possible to only some people. I remember that I was able to jump really high, from the ground up to the roof, or it can get higher. I was able to control minds of people like Professor X. Anyway, so I think we were at a library, or at some bookstore and we were sitting down. Some books were open in front of us. I can't really remember if she was doing any work or we were just reading. We were sweet there -- with all the hugging, and me kissing her on the forehead, holding hands, just like how we were before.

Anything can happen in our dreams, right? And, it just sucks that these are just too good to be true. Maybe it won't happen now, but I'm still hoping, wishomg that one day, someday, it can and will happen.

I miss having my arms around you to keep you safe, kissing you on your head or forehead to give you comfort, holding your hands real tight to let you know that I'm just here for you, hugging you real tight to let you know that I love you, and I will always love you.

I really miss you.. :(

Lesson

Things haven't really been going the way I want them too, but I guess that's just the reality of life. Things won't always go out way, whatever we do. It will always be "Whatever's happening now will be for the better of yourself, will be your benefit."

This is one of those lines that I just thought of, but when you think about it, it's true, right? Some, or even majority of things in life are easier said than done. We are able to say stuff properly, but when it comes to our situation, we really can't help ourselves. For certain reasons we can't understand, we are always, ALWAYS, able to help others more than ourselves.

Right now, it's just one of those days that I'm not really feeling well. I wake up in the morning, feeling the same way again. "Oh, it's just gonna be another long day with nothing to do." Things haven't really been going well for me, maybe because I haven't really settled myself here. Nothing's really happening right now, still on the adjustment phase.

Most of the time, I've been thinking of what may happen if certain things didn't really happen, or how my life will be if things happened differently. All I can say is, I really don't know.

I'm not really the happiest person on Earth. I've been thinking too much of everything, and not really able to take care of myself most of the time. What keeps me going though, is, just believing that things will just get better soon.

For the past months, I've been talking with some of my friends, and these friends have really inspired me to just keep going with life, and just to accept things the way they are. Whatever's happening now, will just be for my better, and will always be. I may not see it now, but maybe sometime in the future, I'll feel it.

Patience, is something I haven't really been for a long time now. But, when I think about what my friends have told me, and how their lives have been, I think I should just try to learn how to be one. It's like a skill, it'll take some time to learn it and to perfect it. May not be perfect, but close to perfecct.

These friends have inspired me, that by being patient with time, with yourself, with everyone and everything, things will just fall in to place. May not be the way we want them to, but it will always be better than how we want them to be. These friends have showed me, that with patience, in time, I will be that happy again. This is what really keeps me going, thinking of how I'll be.

So, friends, thank you, for always being the inspiration I need to go on with my life, to just accept things the way they are, and be happy about them. Thank you because, because of you, I am able to gain strength, and confidence with myself. I am able to believe that better things are just in store for me. Because of you guys, seeing how your lives are, helps me become a better person, to believe in myself and to just be strong. So, thank you.

A Solitary Traveler

Have you ever felt in your entire life like you're the only one living in this world? The feeling that when you walk around, no one sees you, when you just pass through people and objects like a free spirit? Or maybe like those in movies, when you belong to the youngest batch, and when you walk everyone just bumps you like no one cares? Or maybe, feel like you're Robert Neville from I Am Legend, where you only have one friend with you and it's a dog, and everyone else has disappeared from your life?

We live in a really big world, and it's a big mystery most of the time as to why we feel like we're the only ones left in this world. You go out, walk around the village, and you don't see anyone in sight. All you see is a big empty landscape, a clear sky, and feel the wind pass through. You look up the at the sun at the start of the day, wondering what's in store for you, only to find out that it's the same thing everyday. Sometimes, you'll even think that you see someone, but it's all in your imagination. The closer the get, the more they fade away from your vision.

It'll always be a mystery as to why certain stuff happen in our lives, the thing we want most is what we don't usually get. The thing we worked really hard for, we'll lose them in just a snap. And, of course, we will get what we need even if it's not what we really want. Maybe not now, but in time.

But, with all these, have you ever wondered as to how our lives will be if we have control of what may happen? Do you think it'll be more complicated or simpler compared to the present time? Do you think you'll be happier or it'll make no difference?

Life has a lot of mysteries and complications, questions that will remained unanswered for a long time. As to myself, I still have a lot of things on my mind, and I still haven't figured out how I'll be able to handle them.

All I know is, I feel alone.. Most of the time.. And I'm alone on this journey..

It Was Only Just A Dream -- One, and Another.

I'm not sure if I should be happy about my dream or not, or if I should expect anything to happen or just let it pass. Maybe it's all in my mind, but I don't know.

Just this morning when I woke up at around 7:40am, I actually remembered a part of my dream again. It was actually kind of confusing, because I don't know if it is what I really want right now, or ever, but for some reason it made me smile for a while, but not really that happy; just confused.

So I slept again after 20 minutes I think, and woke up at around 9:30am, finding myself remembering what happened again in my dream. And, this time, I'm definitely sure it's not what I want to happen ever in my life.

What happened in the first dream was, I was with a couple of friends and this girl, and it felt like the girl and I had something special. We were talking all the time, laughing and we were really close. I like the girl in reality, but I'm not sure if it's what I want to have with her in real life.

The other dream is the feelings brought me back to the past, where there is too much pain and confusion with everything. I was arguing with this person really special to me, and nothing really good was happening with us that time. Everything was just not happening the way I want them to happen. And, yes, I was in so much pain that time.

So I woke up, and thought to myself, these are just dreams. But, why should I have those dreams in a day, and remember them both? So again, I researched for the meaning:

To dream that you have a crush on somebody, is a literal reflection of your attraction and fascination for that person. To see your crush in your dream, represents your current infatuation with him or her. If you find yourself thinking about him during the day, then it is understandable that his image will appear in your dream during the night. If you dream of your crush frequently, then your dream maybe be telling you that it is time to let this person know how you feel, especially if you are dreaming of him or her in a good way. Only good things can happen from you telling your crush. Even if he or she is not interested, at least you can move on and stop wasting time on him or her.

I really can't find the meaning to the other dream, but I'm just guessing that maybe it has something to do with what's happening in present time, how I've been feeling about this and my fears of what may happen.

I don't know. I'm just really confused and hurt right now with everything that's happening. I'm in a constant battle with my feelings, and I just want to get away for a while. I just want to run away, but I guess that won't help me either. I really need a break. If I can't have a good day, please, let me sleep well. :(

In My Dreams

In our dreams, whatever happens there, are there for certain reasons. They  may be what we've been thinking of too much for a long time, or signs of how we've been feeling, and the like. Dreams are also rarely remembered by the person, but some dreams are actually still present in our minds once we wake up. May not be the whole dream, but some parts of it we remember.

Just this morning, I actually had one of those dreams again (yes, another dream.) I've been having a lot of dreams for the past months, dreams that are not really nice or not healthy for me. It's one of those dreams that I had because of how I've been feeling for a long time now.

I really can't remember the whole dream, but what happened there as I remember was, we were back at home. I was with my family, and we were at the living room. Then a moment later, something was trying to force itself to enter the front door, and for some reason we have an idea what it was. I was trying to lead the family on what we should do, on how to prevent it from going inside the house. The first try of blocking the door was successful, but at some point, it tried to enter the front door again, but that time I was the only one on the door blocking the way. When it was inside the house already, I don't really know what happened but it felt like it went inside me, and after that the dream kind of changed. It's like a different story all of a sudden.

What happened next was different. I felt like I was powerful, and I was in a battle with someone I don't know. I was throwing stuff at whoever he is, and at some point, I got a puppy, and saw all our other dogs before. :( I miss them.

Anyway, it's not as heavy as my other dreams before, but still I had it. So of course, I researched for the meaning, and here's what I got (though I don't know if it's accurate.)

You are regretting the loss of most of your acquiantances. This may be due to real loss or merely from isolation and loneliness.

I'm not sure if this is the real meaning for the dream, but it actually has a point. It's actually what I've been feeling for a long time now. Maybe, I'll have more of these kinds of dreams in the next days, as I am still not really in my best self. I'm still in a battle with my own life, and I'm really having a hard time already. Whatever I do, something bad always happens. Nothing right's happening for me.

Heaven and back

It's officially June, and yes, it's a late welcome.

I've thought about how I will write about this, and up to now I'm still unsure. Just last week, I had those dreams again, the kind of dream that when you wake up, you remember what happened, and you kind of have a hangover. You will just think about your dream for a long time, and ask yourself why you had that dream.

I really can't remember everything, but this is what I recall. The first dream I had was, I was with my family, and i remember my dad was driving the car. I was seated in front, and my mom and siblings were at the back. We were back home, and my dad was taking a short cut that time. At some point, all the cars ahead of us were making a U-Turn, and what I saw was a lady pointing a gun at us. For some reason, my dad was calm at that time, but I wasn't. He just made a U-Turn, and there we go.

The other dream, I was in my room, back home, and I was with a couple of relatives. I think they were my siblings, or my cousins, not really sure. Then, it just happened. I didn't really die or anything, but the light was directed to me, and everyone went like "It's your time." Then I just flew, felt like, and there was happiness in me. I went up to the skies, and after that I really can't remember anything.

Up to this day, I'm still wondering as to why I had those dreams. So I researched for the meaning, and this is what I got.

1. To see a gun in your dream, symbolizes aggression, anger, and potential danger. You may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You feel victimized in some situation.

2. Psychological Meaning: To dream of a heavenly paradise may represent your desire to find perfect happiness. You may be trying to escape from what you perceive to be your banal and depressing life. 

Your dream gives you a welcome break from reality and serves to restore your feeling of optimism and hope. You desire to achieve the inner balance and wholeness that is your spiritual destiny.

Then, I thought. I've been in a war with myself for a long time now, having problems that I really can't solve on my own, having issues I don't even know how to face. Maybe I've been down for so long, and I just needed this for myself. Just like what it said, "Your dream givs you a welcome break from reality and serves to restore your feeling of optimism and hope."

I'm in continuous search of that happiness, the happiness I need. Actually, I know what makes me happy, but at the same time, it also breaks my heart. Maybe I still haven't found the other stuff that make me happy too.

Iris

What you want is not always what you need.

This is something that has been going in and out of my mind for a long time now. I guess that's the reality of life. We desire a lot of things, hope and pray that someday we'll get them, but most of the time, it's not what we need, maybe now, or maybe forever.

The same as my other days in life, I wake up in the morning feeling this way. Not really getting any better, whatever I do to distract myself, or to keep myself busy. For some reason, whatever I do, I always end up associating them with something from the past, and it drowns me. Whatever it is that I do, I always find myself falling down this deep well, and not being able to get out of it for a long time.

Also, the same as every morning of my life, when I wake up, for some reason, there's always a song playing in my head and it just goes on and on. I don't know if it's just a coincidence or what, it didn't really enter my mind when I woke up, but just thought of it hours later. This song has been a big impact on me (and I don't even know if it's good or bad.) But, most of the time, I feel bad when I hear this song, but I just can't stop listening to it.

This video, Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, has been haunting me for years now. It's not really a sad song, but I guess it can be in a way. The first thing that comes to mind when I listen to this song is whatever happened with me in the past. I guess it's because of certain lines from the song, or maybe because of the person involved, the one who made me like this song so much. It used to be a great song for me, but because some things in life have to end, it just feels different now.

Present time, this song continues to haunt me. As the song goes, "And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.." I guess I've been hiding from a lot of stuff for a long time already,, just trying to see what effect it will have on me. But then, I realized, there's not much difference actually, whether I'm there or not. So sometimes,  I would rather not show myself and just mind my own business. Sad, I know.

Then this other line goes "When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.."  I just want you to know who I am, a line which I really can't explain why, I can't find the perfect words, has really hit me. Maybe because of how I've been feeling these past months, which is most of the time I feel like I'm alone. It's hard, really. But, at this point, I guess there's really nothing I can do about it.

How can one be strong enough to go on, if the thing that's keeping them going is the same thing that brought them in this mess?