05.01.11 Days Go On

I'm not really good, or never was I any good at starting anything, may it be a blog entry, an article (like what we used to do in class back in college), a letter, or just anything. The same thing goes with how I am in real time, I'm not really good at starting a conversation. I don't have any idea on how to start anything whether I wanna do it, have to do it, or asked to do it.

Anyway, I guess I'll just start with that.

For the past weeks, I have been in a situation where I feel very vulnerable. I have been experiencing different feelings, which are not really good for me (I know.) such as feeling of being helpless, feeling alone, left out, or forgotten, feeling of being betrayed, or in general, I'm in constant pain; the kind of pain that isn't really gonna kill me, but bad enough to cause me pain each day, from the time I open my eyes in the morning, until I go to bed at night. Sometimes, even in my sleep, I have these kinds of feelings.

Some dreams I can recall, and some not. But the ones I can recall are not really that good. Let's say, in one dream, I experienced having toothache on my left and right jaws. Another is not being able to move (not paralyzed) -- like, someone's keeping me from moving, or the feeling like I'm tied to something and I can't get out. At the same dream, I remember shouting but no sound was coming out. There was even this dream that it involved my two older brothers and their friends, and they ended up with other people pointing guns at them. And, I end up waking up from these dreams (which is a good thing) but once I wake up, I have to catch my breathe, and I have a hard time sleeping again, thinking those dreams might happen again.

I researched for the meanings of these dreams, and I'm not sure if they're accurate, but I think I was able to find the answers.

1. To dream that you are a hostage, indicates that you are feeling victimized and powerlessness. You may also be feeling limited in your choices or physically immobilized. Perhaps this dream is paralleling some situation/difficulties in your daily life or relationship. Alternatively, it suggests that a part of yourself is not be fully expressed.

2. To dream that you are screaming, symbolizes anger and fear. You are expressing some powerful emotion which you have kept pent up inside. If you try to scream, but no sound comes out, then it indicates your sense of helplessness and frustration in some situation. No matter how hard you try to get someone's attention, they cannot hear you. The dream highlights your difficulty in communicating with this person. You need to immediately identify your fears or feelings and confront this situation in real life. Alternatively, your inability to scream may be a form of REM paralysis.

3. To dream that you are unable to move signifies feelings of being trapped. Alternatively, it shows that you are too rigid in your attitudes and decisions.

After I was able to do research about these dreams, I guess all I can say is, maybe these dreams reflect on what I've been facing each day, with how I feel about everything.

For the past weeks, I haven't really been okay about a lot of things, but mainly with how the relationship side of my life goes. A lot of things have changed for the past months, and when there's change, it isn't always what we want, or it isn't always good for us. Sometimes, change can even drive you crazy, as you have to adjust to new stuff with your life, and you have to act quickly so you could save yourself.

In my case, main point is, I've lost a lot of people in my life already. I guess this is really hard for me, because I'm the type of person who wants to be close or wants to be with good terms with everyone I know. I feel uncomfortable when I know that something's not good, even if it just concerns one relationship. I always try to do my best to have a good relationship with one, but I guess I'm not really good at keeping them.

I've been trying my best to shift my attention, to keep myself busy and not be idle, so I could help myself. But sometimes, I just can't help but remember, can't help but feel weak, can't help but feel miserable, and broken. People always tell me "You're not trying hard enough." But what if I am? What if, I'm trying to do everything I can so I could be a better person, but at the end of the day, I just get tired and everything just goes back?

Right now, I just feel broken again. It's just like, my heard is made of glass, once broken, it can't really be put together perfectly. But, once put back together, the marks will always be there to remind me of what used to be, of all the pain, of everything that was before.

Most of the time, it hurts a lot, when all you want to do is talk to the person, or the people you care about, but when you try to communicate with them, you get this different feeling from them, like you're not sure if they still care about what you will say. It hurts a lot, when all you want to do is to have a good relationship with the people in your life, but you're the one always making the move, and you end up with nothing.

Sometimes, I ask myself, when will all of this come to an end, all this pain and misery. Sometimes, I just wanna say, I'm tired of everything, and I'll just stop and go on. And up to now, I just don't know what else I can do, where I should go.

Right now, I'm unsure of what I'm really feeling with everything in my life. Like what I told my friend earlier this day, I'm at this stage where I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about certain things in my life, or basically with the relationship side of my life. I don't know if I'll be able to give again that much, know how much it hurt me a lot of times in the past. I'm at this stage where I've been before, and I was sure before, but right now I just can't explain and figure out.

I've realized, that whatever I do, someone always gets hurt so bad. Maybe it's true, you really can't please everybody. But, I'm not really the selfish type of person, but I guess it's time that I take care of myself only and not think of others for some time.

Maybe, I should just get used to living my life alone.

With all that said, I just wish someone out there really understands what I'm going through, and not just say "I understand what you're going through.." etc.

I'm done giving. It's my turn to receive.