The Letter X

For the past months, I've been trying to look for answers as to why such things should happen to us. I've been trying to figure out if there are indeed answers to these questions, or they will just remain a mystery to us.

This day, as I was trying to think of a concept so I could take new pictures, I remembered some of the old photos I took, and there's this specific photo that hit me.

This is a picture of our street with the pedestrian crossing sign I took a couple of months ago. As I remember, I took a number of shots that day, and tried making everything black and white except for one object; in this case, the sign is the only colored item left.

So when I remembered this photo, it hit me. Pedestrian crossings can be, in a way, similar to what each and every one of us is going through. As you can see, their sign is the big X, may it be a pedestrian crossing, a railroad crossing, or what. What's the purpose of these crossings? It's where one should pass by, walk or drive through, avoiding any accidents. It's just a passage way for everyone.

Then I tried looking back again with some stuff that happened with my life, or with what I know, and it just occurred to me that there have been a number of crossing in my life already. It's another way of saying, things in life come and go. Not everything is permanent. One day it's here, next thing you know, it's somewhere else already. Just like a crossing, it just passes you by. Just like the sign, "X", it can  be compared to the ex in reality, which is something from the past. Things will come in your life, and you won't even know if it will last or not. Just like me, I've felt that X already. I've been the X, or I am X.

As sad as it sounds, all of us have our own Xs, or all of us are Xs and we just sometimes won't admit it or can't see it.

And, whatever we do, we will always be that X in whatever way. And, I'm sure, even with the bad experiences, we will always miss them. I know I do, I still do. So much..

Just like a Maze

Have you ever felt like you're unsure about what's happening around you? Unsure, in a way that you don't know what's happening, what concerns you, or even how you feel about certain stuff? You don't know whether to feel happy or not about certain feelings, to think about them or just let them pass?

For some reason, it hit me today. I've been in a stage for the past months, trying to find that happiness inside me, trying to feel better with everything that's happening. And, let me tell you, it's not that easy, considering that I'm always home, same thing everyday. Still no work, not being able to meet new people (because it's not that easy, even though people say it is.) I just find it awkward to approach someone out of the blue.

Anyway, I just thought of writing this, so I could let it out. I'm not really sure who I can tell this, because I don't really know who I can still trust. Err.. I just need to let this out because it kind of confuses me, with how I should feel: if what I'm feeling is true, or it's just trying to help mend the wound, take away all the pain.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like I like this something, but when I think about it, when I try to analyze things, I always end up telling myself "That's nothing. Your heart's just playing with you." And, I'm not really sure about this feeling, since I've been away for so long already. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a cave, always at home, rarely goes out. Whenever I go out, I'm not that familiar with the stuff around me. But anyway, when I think about it, it kind of gives me this happy but confusing feeling. I just wanna know, what else can I do because I don't want to be confused with anything anymore. Whenever I'm in this stage, I just end up hurting myself, or someone else. But when I'm sure, it's always not the right time.

I just want to know, how it feels to be alive.. Again.

Btw, I've been taking lots of pictures and been editing them as well. Come and visit my site, and check out my photos. :) Click here or on the image below. :)

Fork

Have you ever felt like you're unsure about what's happening around you? Unsure, in a way that you don't know what's happening, what concerns you, or even how you feel about certain stuff? You don't know whether to feel happy or not about certain feelings, to think about them or just let them pass?

For some reason, it hit me today. I've been in a stage for the past months, trying to find that happiness inside me, trying to feel better with everything that's happening. And, let me tell you, it's not that easy, considering that I'm always home, same thing everyday. Still no work, not being able to meet new people (because it's not that easy, even though people say it is.) I just find it awkward to approach someone out of the blue.

Anyway, I just thought of writing this, so I could let it out. I'm not really sure who I can tell this, because I don't really know who I can still trust. Err.. I just need to let this out because it kind of confuses me, with how I should feel: if what I'm feeling is true, or it's just trying to help mend the wound, take away all the pain.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like I like this something, but when I think about it, when I try to analyze things, I always end up telling myself "That's nothing. Your heart's just playing with you." And, I'm not really sure about this feeling, since I've been away for so long already. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a cave, always at home, rarely goes out. Whenever I go out, I'm not that familiar with the stuff around me. But anyway, when I think about it, it kind of gives me this happy but confusing feeling. I just wanna know, what else can I do because I don't want to be confused with anything anymore. Whenever I'm in this stage, I just end up hurting myself, or someone else. But when I'm sure, it's always not the right time.

I just want to know, how it feels to be alive.. Again.

Btw, I've been taking lots of pictures and been editing them as well. Come and visit my site, and check out my photos. :) Click here or on the image below. :)

Crazy Ride

Today has been a crazy ride for me when it comes to dealing with my dreams. For the past weeks, I haven't had the clearest dreams. I don't quite understand as to why I am having these dreams, or why I should have these dreams. Well, specifically for this day, it's just REALLY CRAZY.

This morning, when I woke up at around 9:30am I think, I do the usual stuff: get up from my bed, get the laptop and go online to surf the net, or if not, play games. And, at the same time, I'm also thinking of why I had to have those dreams (if I remember the dream before waking up.) Well, I remembered my dream again when I woke up this morning.

It's not really in order, and this is what I only remember seeing in my dream. It's kind of weird, because some are not really related to each other, they just happened. I remember seeing myself as one of the WWE wrestlers,  and I was with one of the wrestlers trying to imitate another wrestler, and the fans were just laughing. I also remember seeing myself having fire powers, being able to control them and I'm not really sure what I was doing, but I was burning this room and I don't know why. Another was I was friends with some NBA players, and I think I was part of the team and we were shooting some hoops. What really made me think was this part, where I was with someone really special to me, and everything was okay. We were both happy, laughing, etc. Our classes just ended, and we had this classmate who kept bugging me about something, so we quickly got out of the classroom, and for some reason, we ended up in a mall, where I dropper her off to her dad. We said our goodbyes with a friendly hug.

I usually take my afternoon nap, because my body clock's really wasted. I get really sleepy in the afternoon and wake up just in time for dinner. So waking up from this nap, all I remember from my dream was I was back at home, and I was with this group I was really close with. I remember seeing two of them, and we were doing the usual stuff (stuff we usually do in real life) -- have fun, laugh, eat together, etc.

I usually have a hangover after waking up, if I remember what happened in my dream, especially if those dreams made me think. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out as to why I am having those dreams. I tried searching for answers, but I'm not really sure if they're accurate, because dreams are interpreted differently (I think.) Well, I'm just guessing, but I think I've been having these dreams -- seeing someone really special to me, and the group of friends -- because I've been trying to run away from them (?) I've been trying to keep my distance, or maybe I haven't felt anything from them for a long time, and the dreams are just telling me to keep in touch with them. I guess it's just another way of saying, these people are important to me, and whatever I do, I'll always remember them in every way, and not be able to run from them. They've been special to me once, and they will always be those people I will care about.

Right now, I just don't know what I should do. I'm not really sure if these dreams are signs that I should do something or not, if these dreams mean something will happen, or what. I just hope that everything's for the best.

And, I do miss them. Really.

Family Comes First

So I was going through some of our old pictures, trying to look for pictures I can edit since I ran out of pictures (I don't know what else to take here.) Well, going through the pictures made me cry a little, for the reasons that I wish I could go back in those times and have those fun times again. Specifically, these pictures are the times we got to go out and have fun as a whole family.  We don't get to do that anymore, since we're not staying in the same place.

The picture on the left is the picture of our family, taken in different times. There are actually more pictures of us, I just couldn't find the others right now, and I guess these are the best pictures we have together. I miss how we are able to do things together, like we usually go out to have dinner, or those times after dinner we go around the mall just to relax for a bit, or look for dessert. The last picture actually was our last visit in the Philippines, after being separated for some months we were reunited again, but had to be separated again after several weeks. I'm really looking forward to the day when all of us will be complete here, together again. I'm looking forward to having those dinner outs again, or maybe we can do something different now, like maybe picnic, or go mountain hiking, snowboarding on winter (?), anything different, something we weren't able to do before.

The picture here seen here is me with my siblings, also taken in different times. Right now, I'm in the same house with my sister and my younger brother, which makes me miss my two older brothers. It really never felt like this before, considering we used to fight a lot back when we were kids, but I guess with time, everything changes. As we grew up together, we just got closer and closer, and I'm actually proud to say that I'm close to my siblings. I feel sad for those who are not really that close to their family, and would rather spend time with their friends or would rather be away. I miss the times we go out, just us, to watch a movie or just to spend some time together. I miss the times when all of us are in the same room, and we talk about just anything. I miss the times when you just wanna talk to someone, need help or anything, and they will always be there for you. They may say words that may hurt you, but in the end, you will realize how much they care for you. I miss the times that we just bond and laugh about anything, which reminds me of our last days in the Philippines before we left again.

I'm actually happy that I got to talk to my two older brothers about how I'm feeling, or about the things I've been keeping to myself for a long time now. I felt better that I got to talk to them, and I guess I really needed that too, to be more open to them, because like what they always tell me, in the end, your family will always be there for you. And, like what my older brother said, "Arellano ka!! :)" There may be new problems, or old problems that I'm facing, but just remembering what they told me, just knowing that I have them by my side, helps me to feel A WHOLE LOT BETTER. Right now, I guess what's making me sad is more of missing them, wishing that they're here with us too.

Dreams

Ever since we moved here, I've been watching different series, something I never did before. It never really interested me to watch each episode, but I did watch some. For some reason, I just wanted to catch up with them.

So far, the series that I watched, or caught up are FRIENDS, How  I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Chuck, and which I am currently watching, 7th Heaven.

This series, 7th Heaven, is really different compared to the other series. It's more of a serious series compared to the others where you will find more jokes and have a good time. But don't get me wrong, 7th Heaven is indeed a GOOD show, and I love watching it. What I like about this show is it never really fails to give its audience lessons in life, shown in every way possible. It may be a serious series, but I'm sure it is still good for one to watch a series like this. This series also kind of reminds me of how our family is, showing how really close they are with each other.

But I guess, what I like about the series most is how it shows that family is really a big part in your life. And, whatever you do, whatever problem you're facing, whatever mistakes you did, your family will always be there to help you, guide you, care for you, and especially, love you. It doesn't matter if other people don't appreciate who you are, what matters the most is you have your family there.

On another note, I guess this series (which I've been watching for the past weeks) -- I'm currently on Season 3 -- has something to do with my recent dream.

I can't really recall the whole dream, but I guess I can mention some parts. it didn't really involve my family, but I remember seeing the people I care about the most, seeing the people I really miss and do anything to spend time with them again. I remember seeing myself with them having fun, just like kids, and not worry about any problem.

I guess, to be specific, I remember seeing some of my close friends from high school (Peca, Gigoy, Dej, Rances, Ranny) and just having a great time -- like how we really are when all of us are together. I also remember seeing my close friends from college (Nadz and Betti) doing the usual crazy stuff when we're together -- laughing and teasing, the usual.

In a way, this morning, when I woke up, isn't that bad, but I'm still not okay either. It made me miss home more, miss my friends, and miss how things were before. I feel good about having those dreams, feeling better compared to the other days, but still, sad knowing that it's just gonna be another day, another day I won't be able to spend time with some people I care about.

New Chapter

How I was before

This day started just like any other day in my life. I do the usual stuff at the start of the day. I wake up, not eat breakfast and wait until I can get brunch, get the laptop, and be online to catch up with some friends. This has been my daily routine for the past months, though I don't really get to talk to a lot of friends anymore.

So this morning, I was able to talk with one of my really close friends from school, another friend i met through someone, and a long time friend -- someone I met back when I was still in High School. All I can say is, maybe it was meant that I got to talk to them, for certain reasons.

For the past months, I haven't really been feeling well, mainly because of the relationship side in my life. I just feel like nothing's going right for me, like everything's a mess. Well, these few friends of mine have been there since the day we met, may there be problems or none.

I first got to talk to with my school mate, who I promised to catch up with. And yes, we did talk after a long time. We were just catching up with each other, about how things are going now, until it came to a point where I share what has been happening to me for the past months. I've been wanting to share this for a long time now, I just couldn't find the right time. Anyway, right now, I can say that I really miss you, and I'm really looking forward to talking to you again soon, and maybe in the future hang out with you. I'm glad that I was able to talk to you today, and that made me feel better, not completely, but still, it helped.

I got to talk to another friend, at the same time I was talking with my school mate. It started when I asked her a favor, something I wanna do but I just can't for a lot of reasons. From one favor, it ended with a very long conversation, something I didn't really expect but something that helped me at the moment, and hopefully it will go on.  And, like what I said in our conversation (which is not included in the picture) I said that I'm thankful that i was able to talk to someone who can understand what I'm going through, or has an idea of how I'm feeling, and can share with me something that I've been wanting to hear, something I've been wanting to feel, something I've been looking for. I haven't seen it completely, but I'll get there.

Just now, I got to talk to one of my really close friends, someone I met back in High School. We're not really the perfect friends for each other (if you look back at everything that happened with us, not talking to each other for several years for some reasons) but I'm still happy that we were able to forget those times and just go on, and be the best of friends today. I guess today, my conversation with her was what really hit me. It hit me to the point that I don't even know what to say, that I don't even know what I should do. It's like, being scolded by an older sister, yet I don't feel bad. In a way, it's like there's this fear inside myself that I can't really explain. It hit me to the point that it left my in tears, tears after realizing how much I've lost, and how much I've wasted stuff in my life, not realizing that there are indeed people out there who care. I may not realize it completely now, but I will get there.

In our conversation, she gave me a challenge, which I hope I'll be able to do. After everything that's happened, after everything that's happening now, just like what I said in my previous entry, now's my turn.

How I am Now (Hopefully)

Thank you friends for being there, for being patient with me, for your inspiring words, and just for being really great friends. Thank you.

05.01.11 Days Go On

I'm not really good, or never was I any good at starting anything, may it be a blog entry, an article (like what we used to do in class back in college), a letter, or just anything. The same thing goes with how I am in real time, I'm not really good at starting a conversation. I don't have any idea on how to start anything whether I wanna do it, have to do it, or asked to do it.

Anyway, I guess I'll just start with that.

For the past weeks, I have been in a situation where I feel very vulnerable. I have been experiencing different feelings, which are not really good for me (I know.) such as feeling of being helpless, feeling alone, left out, or forgotten, feeling of being betrayed, or in general, I'm in constant pain; the kind of pain that isn't really gonna kill me, but bad enough to cause me pain each day, from the time I open my eyes in the morning, until I go to bed at night. Sometimes, even in my sleep, I have these kinds of feelings.

Some dreams I can recall, and some not. But the ones I can recall are not really that good. Let's say, in one dream, I experienced having toothache on my left and right jaws. Another is not being able to move (not paralyzed) -- like, someone's keeping me from moving, or the feeling like I'm tied to something and I can't get out. At the same dream, I remember shouting but no sound was coming out. There was even this dream that it involved my two older brothers and their friends, and they ended up with other people pointing guns at them. And, I end up waking up from these dreams (which is a good thing) but once I wake up, I have to catch my breathe, and I have a hard time sleeping again, thinking those dreams might happen again.

I researched for the meanings of these dreams, and I'm not sure if they're accurate, but I think I was able to find the answers.

1. To dream that you are a hostage, indicates that you are feeling victimized and powerlessness. You may also be feeling limited in your choices or physically immobilized. Perhaps this dream is paralleling some situation/difficulties in your daily life or relationship. Alternatively, it suggests that a part of yourself is not be fully expressed.

2. To dream that you are screaming, symbolizes anger and fear. You are expressing some powerful emotion which you have kept pent up inside. If you try to scream, but no sound comes out, then it indicates your sense of helplessness and frustration in some situation. No matter how hard you try to get someone's attention, they cannot hear you. The dream highlights your difficulty in communicating with this person. You need to immediately identify your fears or feelings and confront this situation in real life. Alternatively, your inability to scream may be a form of REM paralysis.

3. To dream that you are unable to move signifies feelings of being trapped. Alternatively, it shows that you are too rigid in your attitudes and decisions.

After I was able to do research about these dreams, I guess all I can say is, maybe these dreams reflect on what I've been facing each day, with how I feel about everything.

For the past weeks, I haven't really been okay about a lot of things, but mainly with how the relationship side of my life goes. A lot of things have changed for the past months, and when there's change, it isn't always what we want, or it isn't always good for us. Sometimes, change can even drive you crazy, as you have to adjust to new stuff with your life, and you have to act quickly so you could save yourself.

In my case, main point is, I've lost a lot of people in my life already. I guess this is really hard for me, because I'm the type of person who wants to be close or wants to be with good terms with everyone I know. I feel uncomfortable when I know that something's not good, even if it just concerns one relationship. I always try to do my best to have a good relationship with one, but I guess I'm not really good at keeping them.

I've been trying my best to shift my attention, to keep myself busy and not be idle, so I could help myself. But sometimes, I just can't help but remember, can't help but feel weak, can't help but feel miserable, and broken. People always tell me "You're not trying hard enough." But what if I am? What if, I'm trying to do everything I can so I could be a better person, but at the end of the day, I just get tired and everything just goes back?

Right now, I just feel broken again. It's just like, my heard is made of glass, once broken, it can't really be put together perfectly. But, once put back together, the marks will always be there to remind me of what used to be, of all the pain, of everything that was before.

Most of the time, it hurts a lot, when all you want to do is talk to the person, or the people you care about, but when you try to communicate with them, you get this different feeling from them, like you're not sure if they still care about what you will say. It hurts a lot, when all you want to do is to have a good relationship with the people in your life, but you're the one always making the move, and you end up with nothing.

Sometimes, I ask myself, when will all of this come to an end, all this pain and misery. Sometimes, I just wanna say, I'm tired of everything, and I'll just stop and go on. And up to now, I just don't know what else I can do, where I should go.

Right now, I'm unsure of what I'm really feeling with everything in my life. Like what I told my friend earlier this day, I'm at this stage where I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about certain things in my life, or basically with the relationship side of my life. I don't know if I'll be able to give again that much, know how much it hurt me a lot of times in the past. I'm at this stage where I've been before, and I was sure before, but right now I just can't explain and figure out.

I've realized, that whatever I do, someone always gets hurt so bad. Maybe it's true, you really can't please everybody. But, I'm not really the selfish type of person, but I guess it's time that I take care of myself only and not think of others for some time.

Maybe, I should just get used to living my life alone.

With all that said, I just wish someone out there really understands what I'm going through, and not just say "I understand what you're going through.." etc.

I'm done giving. It's my turn to receive.