04.14.2011 -- Goodbye..

Well, this is reality. Nothing really goes our way all the time. We always end up getting disappointed if we don't get what we're looking for. It's always the "we're not really looking for" is there. Agree?

I just hate everything that's happening with me right now, with how they're happening, the timing and everything. I hate the fact that I wasn't able to do the stuff I wanted to do, because of limited time. I hate the fact that I made wrong decisions in the past, and still make wrong decisions in the present -- if I were to go back in time, I'd make up for those. I hate the fact that sometimes, I feel like I'm too nice. I can't stand being mad at something for a long time, because of that guilty feeling. I hate the fact that I'm the one always saying sorry even if I didn't do anything, just to end things already. I hate the fact that I'm the one always left behind, and there's really nothing I can do about it. I hate the fact that I always fall easily for someone, and once I'm there, I give too much, or maybe I give everything I have and not leave anything for me. I hate the fact that I can't just forget "that pain", cause whenever I do try to forget, I always end up being that that state again. I hate the fact that I'm always hurting in whatever way -- whatever I do, someone gets hurt and disappointed. I hate the fact that I'm like this.. I hate myself..

My life has been really quiet, and has been down the dumps for a long time now. I don't really know if anyone's still there. If you're out there, please do look for me, and get me out of this puzzle. I wanna know how it feels to be missed and to be looked for, for someone to be happy to see me and talk to me again.

So I guess, this is my final goodbye, to everyone and everything.. I need time for myself, to have peace of mind, to find the answers to my forever unanswered questions. I want to have that well deserved rest again. I want to wake up one morning and not feel anything but joy, know that it's another day to be happy again. I want to have those dreams where all I am is a happy child. I want my life back..

To all of you out there, always stay safe. Always stay positive, and try to be strong no matter what the situation is. Rememberto open your eyes to new opportunites, to be the best you can be in this world. Whatever happens, your family and friends will always be there to support you and to love you. (some stuff I should've seen and learned how to do a long time ago.) Don't live a life like me. Believe me, it's hard.

So there. God bless you all.

04.13.11 -- Should I stay? Or it's better to just run away?

Nothing you do makes me love you less.

Even if it hurts, I just can't stop loving you.

These past months have been really hard for me. Things have not really been going well. Nothing right's happening for me. I still have a lot of unanswered questions, questions that I don't think I will really be able to answer. It sucks, and I just feel lost. I don't know what else I can do just to get out of this deep hole.

Sometimes, I just wanna wake up and feel numb, or just not feel anything from the past and start a new life.

There are some songs that really hit me.

1) Broken by You -- Jordan Knight

2) Help Me Forget - The Akafellas

3) Hiling - Silent Sanctuary

4) Torres - Mayonnaise

I just wanna go away, for a long time -- to clear my mind, just relax and forget everything. But, right now, I'm just a child that's trying to get out of this maze, but always end up going in the middle.

Someone, anyone.. Save me..

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I still remember the words you said. The hesitations, the sighs, the stuttering, and everything in between. I still remember the things you promised, - your words of comfort that made me sleep so good at night. The sound of your voice lingers as you tried to find the right words to say goodbye in the sweetest way possible. Everything that has once felt so real, has now faded far away to a place I sometimes wish to revisit.

04.05.11

Nobody's perfect in this world, not even close to being perfect. I guess that's why everyone needs someone, to be able to add color in their life, to be that missing puzzle piece.

This is reality; this is the real world. Change is the only constant thing in this whole universe.

It's just.. I need someone who who will be there, someone who really understands what I'm going through; I just need someone, who will pull me out of a group, just to ask if I'm doing okay; I need someone who, without me saying anything, will give me a long warm hug, knowing I needed one; I just need someone, who sees what's going on, sees the pain I'm having, and knowing how I really feel, even when I put on a fake smile.

I just need someone who will look for me, miss me, when I don't show myself or when I'm not around. I wanna know how it feels to be remembered, to be thought of. I just wanna know how it feels to be REALLY hapoy.

Not all stories have happy endings.

04.03.11

What is it with goodbyes that makes it so hard to say? Especially to certain people?

Why is it even "goodbye" when there's no good in going, in leaving?

It's just something that I don't really understand. Why should you feel happy, or why should it be good when you're leaving someone? Shouldn't you be sad because it'll take you another N hours, days, weeks, months, years, or however long it will be, to see that person again?

Why can't saying goodbye, be just as easy as when meeting someone, or even falling in love for them? Why should it hurt more once they're not there anymore, once you have to say "goodbye"?

Because of the pain, that mark that's left, it seems so hard to say goodbye to anyone already.. Everytime you say goodbye, you just can't help but feel sad, feel that pain again; you just can't help but think, if you will still be able to talk to that person, if things will still be the same tomorrow; if they will still be there tomorrow.

So, is it really "good bye"? Or just, bye?

04.02.11

Often times, people ask themselves "Where are you?" when it comes to looking for that special someone in their life. Other times, that person is already in front of you, and you're just too blind to see or realize it. Sometimes, we meet someone who we think is the person already, only to end up with nothing.

Sometimes, we meet someone, and the fact is, we won't really be sure if that person is THE ONE already.

People ask me, if I am okay. And often time, I tell them I am, they have nothing to worry about. I always try to show them that I can be happy too, despite everything that's happening.

Some questions that I often time ask myself:

1. How will I be able to give a part of me, when I already gave a bigger part to my past?

2. How will I know if I will meet someone better, if I already found the best?

3. How will you know, if enough is enough? If things are still worth it?

4. Why should something like this always happen?

5. If it is indeed love, why should it hurt this much?

Sometimes, I feel like I need a remote control, that can hit rewind to go back in time and make up for things I've done wrong; pause to just take a break from everything; fast forward just to skip all the pain.

Sometimes, I wish I could just forget everything, and be trouble-free, even if for just a moment. Sometimes, I just wanna feel numb, and not feel anything, at all.

It sucks that, often times, I am able to give advice to people, yet I can't even follow them myself. I always end up doing the opposite. And, sometimes, I just wanna feel being remembered by someone, when someone sends me a message, asks me how I am doing, if I am okay. I wanna know how it feels to be missed and cared for.

So here I go.

I am not okay. I am not happy.

I don't know how, I don't know when, everything will just stop, and go back to how they were; to when I will find that happiness I used to have.

Here I am. All alone.. Again..

04.01.11

Sometimes, it's better to know the truth and get hurt, than to hear a big fat lie and feel happy.

Have you ever felt confused, to the point that you don't even know if you're happy or not wiith how everything is happening in your life?

What if, the one thing that once made you happy, is the thing that's making you feel really sad? What if, the only thing that can make you feel better, is, at the same time, the thing that's keeping you  from being happy?

Just today, I thought of some lines I've been wanting to say, but I just can't:

1.   I just wanna see you happy, even if it's not with me.

2.   I wish I could do the same stuff for you. I wish I could say I'm happy for you.

3.   I'm not okay. But I hope you are.

4.   It hurts that I can't do anything to make this work.

5.   I wish I had more time. I could've been that one for you. I SHOULD'VE BEEN THAT ONE.

6.   Do I still have a chance on this?

7.   Do you still think about me?

8.   Who am I to you?

9.   I miss you. Do you miss me too?

10. I'm still love you, and I will always love you.

Life is, indeed, complicated. :(

03.22.11

Falling in love with someone is the greatest feeling once you're really sure of it, especially if the other person feels the same way. But once you lose the person you really love, the person really important to you, it feels like you have nothing left of yourself.  It feels like there's no more reason to do anything. In other words, it can also be the worst and most painful feeling, once you've lost it.

Been here, done that.

People always say, after something like this happens, it's better to just move on. Go on with life, and be happy. But, once you've experience it, once you know how it feels, it won't be that easy. It's something you will look for over and over again, here and there. Wherever you go, whatever you do, there will always be a time where you will associate something to your past, and it will just bring back all your memories.

Easier said, than done.

It hurts even more, when, at the moment, you feel like it's the one for you already; something you've never felt for anyone before. Something new, something extraordinary, something that keeps you and your heart happy.

But, once that feeling goes out of the door, you're left with nothing. Feeling empty.

And sometimes, you can't help but wish you could turn back time, to make things right.

03.18.11

I wish I have an iPod that can detect the mood of the one listening and play songs appropriate to the mood.

Just something I thought of, because while I was listening to my iPod earlier, there were 6 songs that played that played consecutively on shuffle, that  kind of matched how I feel right now.

1. After All - Peter Cetera & Cher

2. Hands on Deck - Waking Ashland

3. For You - Kenny Lattimore

4. Not Like The Movies - Katy Perry

5.  Love Will Lead You Back - Taylor Dayne

6. Kwarto - Sugarfree

These past months have been really hard for me, and these past weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything that's happening. All I can say is, I'm still not sure for what reasons these are happening. Sometimes, I'm not even sure with how I really feel.

Looking back, with everything that has happened, sometimes I can't help but think, "Maybe this is what I'm good at. I'm good at pushing people away. Maybe.. Just maybe.."

It just sucks, that you try your best to be there, and you just end up getting pushed away. You end up getting hurt. You end up alone.

Things are just not meant to be.

Sometimes, I just wanna say "I'm tired.." but I don't know why I just can't.

What I need right now, is a friend. A real friend. Someone who will be there, even without saying anything. Just be there, sit beside me, give me company. Someone who understands how I feel, and will be there when I need someone, without me asking. Someone.

I'm not happy. My life sucks. I'm miserable.