Half Empty. Half Full.

This is just a random rant post. I guess I just really need to do this, to at least release all the tension I'm feeling. When I'm pissed, I usually rant a lot in every way I can: tell my friends about it, rant with Facebook or Twitter posts. Lately I've decided to just keep quiet and keep everything to myself, for certain reasons: not having that much friends here/having friends from way back home who I can rant to easily, I just don't know what else I can do if I get too mad (I might end up destroying something..) and I guess I think keeping everything to myself is something I need ever since I moved here. I've been more secretive of stuff, for a change (because I think it will do me good..) even if sometimes I feel like it's bad for me.

So my question actually is, have you ever had that feeling when you feel more like someone else than who you really are? To be specific, sometimes you don't feel like who you're really supposed to be because of how people treat you?

It's just really annoying, and I don't even know where to start. I wanna get in to details but I don't really know if it's a good idea. Main point, sometimes I think I can't be my real self because of how things are. There are a lot of things I wanna do (I'm a dreamer..) but I can't achieve most of them because of some factors trying to stop me.

The sad thing about this is, not really having any idea who to talk to, where to go, or something because you feel like you're far away from everyone else. Sometimes I just wish I could go back home and have things my way for a change, because seriously I'm getting tired. I'm just not saying anything, trying to be patient, because I already have an idea of what may happen if I do "rebel" or something.

In such times, I just wish I could go away, go meet up some friends, eat out, have a drink, go have fun. They may not know it, but I miss my friends so much, and it really makes me happy whenever I get the chance to talk to them online (because that's the only communication line we have right now..) They may not see me happy, but it really helps lighten stuff around when I get to hear from them. So yeah, I guess that's another reason why sometimes I feel sad when I try initiating a conversation and I don't get anything.

I miss home. I miss you. I miss everyone.

So yeah. Feeling Half Empty. Half Full.

I feel alone.

HIStory - Chapter 2

A Memory to be Forgotten

Josephine, Jasmine and Jaden decided to stay for a while and help Rip clean up the place, before leaving. It took a while for things to be put in the right place. Still, everyone was curious how all of this happened in one night.


"Are you sure you'll be okay by yourself?" Jaden asking Rip. "Yeah, don't worry about me. I just need to figure out first how this happened." shaking Jaden's hand, then getting a goodbye hug from Josephine and Jasmine.


As Rip's friend left, he goes to the kitchen to get himself some water and medicine to help himself feel better with the headache he's experiencing. He goes back to his room, sit's on his bed with his laptop on and tries to look for something that can just help him pass time. As he was going through his accounts, something that he's trying to avoid but always curious about it, then pops out of one of the social networks he has. Trying his best to not get involved,  he still ends up going to her page and trying to see what's new, and just ends up feeling really bad.


Not feeling too well, he just decides to go around his place and figure out how all of this happened, from the start, to last night, to present day.

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As a grade 7 student, at the age of 13, Rip hasn't really figured out anything much yet about his life - as to what he really wants to do and what to be when he grows up, what will him happy, what he wants, etc. But there's one thing that he really likes doing, it's to make other people feel better and happy. In fact, some of his friends even say that he cares to much for other people, not that it's a bad thing.

He never really had any idea what will hit him in his last year in grade school, until it was already right in front of him.

On his last year in grade school, he met this really pretty girl. Let's call her Andi. Rip was attracted to her: he wanted to know everything about her, wanted to get to know her more and just spend time with her. The problem is, Rip was never really the type of guy who approaches. He's shy, and not really good with talking with girls. Also, at a young age, he doesn't really know what to do. As much as he wants to ask for advice, he just thought of not doing so, so as not to be picked on.

The easy thing with this is, he knows the name of the girl already. But the hard part is, how to come out and talk to her in a none-stalker way. But in the end, he was able to talk to her but online.

As days passed, the two got closer and closer to each other. But Rip still never felt any closer to talking to her in person or going out with her. Nevertheless, he was happy.

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Thinking about all of this, how everything in this area of his life started, he misses feeling that way: feeling happy and not having to worry that much about anything.

Rip then gets his phone, and texts up his friend: "Hey Josephine, can I come over? I just need some company, at least just for tonight.."

Along with Rip, Jaden and Jasmine also went to Josephine's place to hang out and chill for the night. At that point, Rip felt alive again. Temporarily, that is.

HIStory - Chapter 1

Recall

"Yeah, thanks." Rip said, as he puts down the phone. All alone on his condo, he decides to go outside his balcony just to have some fresh air. As the wind blows his air, he stares outside, with a beer on his right hand, then looks at his watch.

He then decides to go back in by the time he hears a knock on his door. "Finally, pizza's here." Rip ordered an 18-inch pizza, getting ready for the night with his friends. After preparing all the sounds, food and drinks, he decides to just sit around and watch television while waiting. time passed, and he's had a couple of drinks already.

"Rip. Hey Rip. Wake up man." he heard, struggling to open his eyes. First thing he saw was his glasses in front of him, on the floor. Trying to get up, he found himself lying on the floor.

"What happened?" Josephine, one his close friends asked. Rip, trying to look around the place, can't figure out why his place is all messed up. "Hey, you're bleeding." Touching the left side of his head, he saw dried up blood.

"What time is it?" Rip asked his friends, having really bad headache. "It's 1 in the afternoon. I thought we're going out today. We've been trying to call you. What happened here?"

Finally standing up, Rip went to sit on the sofa and trying to fix himself. He then sees his other friend, Jaden, bring a pitcher of water and glass. "Here you go," he said. "Thanks man." It's 1 in the afternoon, at Rip's apartment with his friends Josephine, Jasmine and Jaden. "Are you feeling better? What happened here?" looking around as the place looks like it was hit by a tornado or something.

"I can't really remember anything. I remember last night I was talking with Josephine about today's plans, but obviously it slept my mind." Jamie, trying to aid Rip's bleeding, then said, "We were just talking last night and you sounded like you were not in the mood. What's wrong?"

"I.. I'm kind of having a hard time trying to recall how all of this happened.."

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Rip Aldridge is a University graduate Grew up very close to his family, he found it really hard to leave them even on short times. He is into sports, specifically basketball but also grew up learning other sports like soccer and swimming.

Living a very simple life, Rip never had the latest gadgets, not always the first one with the latest news, but always managed to stay updated and be happy with what's happening around him. Academic wise, he is a very dedicated student leader. Some students even end up hating him for following the rules and not trying to break even a single one. Even though he doesn't get the highest grades in class, he still manages to pass his subjects and get things done on time.

Rip was never an emotional guy until his last year in grade school. First time he ever got interested in getting to know someone. Not familiar with this feeling, he didn't know what exactly he had to do.

Days passed, and he was able to build the courage to go and talk to the girl he saw in one of the school events. The only problem is, everything started online. He was never able to build up the courage to talk to other people personally. But nevertheless, they even got closer and closer as the days pass. So he decides to get her a gift on her birthday, with the help of a friend. But, as what happens in some stories, not all things go the right way. His birthday gift was lost by his friend, and wasn't able to give he anything.

"Hey, how was your birthday?" Rip asked her. This was the last message they had with each other, not hearing from her ever again.

Not knowing how this should feel, it was the first time he felt the pain one goes through. "We weren't really together, but I really like her.." he says to himself, trying to cheer himself up despite what happened.

Rip knew, everything's gonna change from this point. He wasn't at his best self, and people were wondering why. Rip knew, this was the start of something he'll be waiting for the rest of his life.

Reflection

These past weeks, I've had trouble sleeping and most of the time I can't even explain why. Either, I can't sleep early because of watching shows, or I try to sleep early but ended up thinking too much.

But anyway, I haven't had the time to update this for a long time, but decided to do it now since I think I have to (especially after what I dreamt of last night..)

Before going to bed (at least these past weeks..) I usually try to find something to do until I get sleepy. Most of the time I just watch shows online until my eyes get  tired, but other times I just lay on my bed and play games or something on my iPod. Last night was nothing different, though I went to bed earlier than usual.

I couldn't sleep last night, been thinking too much of stuff. The kind of feeling that I really can't explain. Let's just leave it to "It's Complicated."

I've had trouble with myself and certain people I've met in my life, and I tried to reflect on them. Here's what I thought:

Point #1: "At some point in your life, you will meet some people who will do anything and everything to make you feel comfortable, to make you feel special, to make you feel important, until you end up as close friends. Once they have what they want/need, they will just leave you all of a sudden, without any reason or explanation, and pretend that nothing ever happened. It's like you never existed in their lives. True story."

Point #2: People have been asking me, ever since our family decided to migrate here in Canada — when are you planning to go back and visit? I guess here's the best answer I can give out, as of now: "I'm not interested in going back to the place where I came from, my place of origin, is the same as 'I'd rather save myself from getting hurt and feeling all the pain all over again, leaving myself broken in to small pieces, with no one to help me stand."

So yeah. That's just what I have thought so far. Though I can honestly say, I am partly okay and not okay at  the same time. Let's just say I'm not consistently okay, but I can manage.

I guess my dream had something to do with what I have been thinking. As I remember, I was with a good friend of mine. We attended this event just to have a good time. There were free food and drinks, and we decided to get some on our way home. On the bus, I remember that I was looking outside and everyone and everything was at pause. I remember seeing a tower with cars moving around them really fast. Then at some point, everything started moving again (like watching a movie when you just hit the play button..) and everyone, buses, cars, hit each other on the highway, and the cars spinning around the tower fell. There was chaos everywhere, and it felt like an earthquake. I was also looking for my good friend and I couldn't find her anywhere. I woke up not able to finish the dream because it scared me.

According to what I researched:

"To dream of an earthquake suggests that you are experiencing a major "shake-up" that is threatening your stability and foundation. The dream highlights your insecurity, fears, and sense of helplessness. Is  there something in your life that you feel at "fault" for?

If you find cover from the quake, you will overcome these challenges. If you become trapped or injured during the quake, you will suffer some sort of loss in your life. According to the bible, earthquakes symbolize God's anger and power."

So yeah. I guess I'm just not stable with the stuff that's happening around me. I can be happy then depressed. My mood's not consistent.

I guess I really need a big break, something that will take me away even for a while. And when I come back, I should feel better and stronger, I should be able to face these and not run away from them. I just need to find myself again.

Flash

You know how sometimes, when something bad is happened, or the moment when something bad is about to happen, or the like, certain memories will just flash right before your eyes? Not just random memories, but memories that you miss, and hoping everyday, that someday those memories will come to life again? The memories that, even if may hurt you, still remain special? The memories that you chose to keep, the memories that you love?

Well.. I've had my part with this moment.. A number of times, actually..

There's a time where I just slipped, and at that moment, before going down, those memories just flashed right before me, feeling like I was actually there. Good thing I didn't hit my head when I fell down, but that was one. Another was having those really bad days: from the moment you wake up, you know that it's gonna be a bad day, and from one thing to another, everything's just not going your way all day. I guess another would be, just feeling miserable, and wishing you could go back to those memories and just be happy again. And of course, there's that moment, when you see other couples, happy together, and you're in one corner wishing you could be with the person you love the most. But, here you are, away from them..

In other words, the days used to be really happy, when everything was going your way. Not that things are not going my way now, but everything just felt better before, and there's always one factor that will go my way, and there's really nothing I can do about it.. Maybe at the moment, or maybe forever.

So, everyday.. Each day, I wake up, and here I am. Trying to see the good when looking back to those memories, but of course.. Sometimes, or most of the time.. I can't help but feel down, missing all the good times I used to have, with the people I used to spend time with, with the people I care about, with the people I love.

Random share: Yesterday, as I was on the way to the hospital to get my eye checked, this song played on my iPod touch, which really made me down and miss everything I used to have. Wish I could just go back, and have those times again..

I miss you, you know who you are.. I'll see you again, someday..

So, here's the song: Never Had A Dream Come True by the S Club 7

This Is Who I Am.

Each person has their own ups and downs, their own traits, own characteristics, interests, or ways of doing stuff. Each has their way of handling things. Well, as for me, I guess I'm one of those who's easily taken in, and thrown out, just like that.

I am a learner: When I am interested in sometihng, or in somenoe, I try my best to know more about it. I tried to get each detail I need, remember everything that needs to be rememebered, do what needs to be done.

I am a good listener: I try to give my very best to listen to people, and not be the talkative one. I listen to their problems, give my opinion about it. I would rather listen to people, than tell them things I don't think they'll understand, or even appreciate.

I am often misjudged: People often judge me for how I look. Most people think I'm one of those bullies, or hard asses, and never give me the chance to show who I really am.

I get attached too easily: Once I'm already there, I often find it hard to let go, or even move one, whatever is involved in the situation. I learn to love and give my all, and when it's time, I find it really hard to just let go.

I often take things lightly: I easily forgive people when I get hurt, and I never tried hurting anyone. If I did, I never meant it to happen. I never get mad at people, I just try to forget what happened and be okay with it.

I eat my own words: I always tell other people, "Whenever something bad happens, something better will come along. There's a reason for this, and everything will be okay in the end." When it comes to dealing with myself, I can't even follow them.

I am a broken robot: Once I'm broken, I will never forget whatever happened, but I can forgive. But, the pain will always be there. No grudges or anything.

I am not famous: I'm not the best person in this world, I make a lot of mistakes, I always mess up, but, at least I try my best to be there when someone needs me. I don't have a lot of friends, but when someone needs one, I'm here.

I am not perfect: And I will never be, but as long as I'm alive, and breathing, I can say that I can try my best to be as perfect as I can. I never give up.

And, despite everything, all my imperfections, my mistakes, all the pain, I'm still here -- stuck, and alone. Sometimes, I feel like, giving up is the only option left, but there's always the other road to take, that if I just go on, it can take me to a place where I can really be happy.

This is who I am. A mess. A complicated, misjudged robot.

Wake-up

I've always been curious as to why we are having certain dreams -- why we see them, why do we remember only a part of our dream, and sometimes never, all those stuff. It even feels real sometimes, after we wake-up. I just wonder why these things appear in our dreams, even if we don't really think of them through the day. Maybe, they're there and we're just trying not to think about it? Or we're trying to avoid and it just happens in our dreams instead?

Some dreams have meanings, basically concerning our life. As such:

To dream that you are crying indicates a release of depressing feelings that may be closely linked to actual happenings in your waking life rather than scenes from the dream itself. Your dream may be a means to restore emotional stability whilst providing an appropriate outlet for your tears and frustrations. As people go through their everyday lives, they tend to push back, ignore, disallow, or repress their true emotions. It is only through their dreams that they are able to unmask their persona and truly express feelings.

To wake up crying indicates the mourning of your soul. It also connotes your need to modify the ways you deal with situations in life.

Then, after waking up, it'll just keep us occupied for the rest of the day until we forget about them again, and start dreaming of them again. It's just like a cycle, and I guess the only way to solve this is just to not run away from them, but find solutions. But, it's not that easy, right?

Oh, life..