Mirrors

On the 5th of February, 2011, two very special people in my life got married: my eldest brother, and my now sister-in-law.

For the past days, weeks, months, both of them, and the families concerned, had prepared so much for this event to be successful. And, indeed, this ceremony, this event, turned out to be successful. Congratulations to both of you, I love you both. And, welcome to the family. :)

For these past months, I have been struggling, been fighting in a battle with myself. Sometimes, I feel like I've won the battle, but sometimes, I feel like I've lost it. Sometimes,, I'm not sure of what I'm doing, and sometimes, I don't know if it's still me doing these stuff.

Just before we went home, we were at the couple's room in the hotel, and I was looking at the mirror. What do you usually see when you look in the mirror?

It took me a while before I was able to answer myself. I saw myself, someone who has been trying to win a battle, and ends up lying on the floor helpless. I saw someone who has been trying to find his way out of the maze, but ends up going back in the middle. I saw someone trying to fit the missing puzzle piece, but ends up putting the wrong one. I saw someone, who, in simple words, is lost.

This whole event got me thinking about a lot of stuff. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, knowing that my brother got married already. But, it got me thinking of how my life is right now. Right now, to be honest, I feel lost, miserable, and lonely. I know that I have my family there, but it's different when you get to meet that someone in your life.

Quoting from the movie Love and Other Drugs, Sometimes the things you want the most don't happen and what you least expect happens. I don't know - you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person and your life is changed.

This is exactly how I feel right now. I know that I had a someone already before, but it felt different with this time. It felt real, and strong. It made me happy. It made me smile, after a long time.

Right now, I just feel lost. I don't know what else I can do, if there's still anything I can do. I'm in this state where I don't really understand things. I try to think of reasons for me to stop, but I always in up telling myself "..but, I love her.."

Things happen for a reason, but right now, I just don't know what those reasons are. I don't know, or understand, why certain things happen if I'm already happy, and then I end up losing.

I just wish, that I could go back in time, and make up for what I lost. I just wanna be happy again..