RANT #1

I'm pissed at you most of the time, but I've never really been THIS angry with you for a long time. What's wrong about you is you always think you're right. You NEVER try to listen to what the other person is trying to say. Whenever the other person is saying something, you will always come up with an argument just to show you're right EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT. You ALWAYS assume when things don't go the way you want them to. You're bossy, you ALWAYS tell us what to do, and you're ALWAYS the one choosing. It's like you're the one living the lives of other people, it's like you're treating everyone as slaves. Well, GUESS WHAT. WE'RE NOT SLAVES. AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WILL CURSE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT?

IF YOU WANT TO BE RESPECTED, LEARN HOW TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT PUT WORDS ON THEIR MOUTHS. LEARN HOW TO LISTEN, NEVER ASSUME, AND DON'T BOSS PEOPLE AROUND. NOT EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS GO YOUR WAY. YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, BUT YOU THINK YOU ARE WHICH IS JUST FUCKING WRONG. I HATE YOU, REALLY. AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, OR TALK TO YOU. FUCK YOU!!

Dreams.. Again.. Why?

I've always wondered as to why we are having dreams, or what are the basis of our dreams. I guess I'm beginning to understand, little by little. I'm just not sure if I'm getting them right.

Just yesterday, I've had several dreams (again) which got me thinking up to now. I really can't remember everything that happened in the dream, just the portion that really bothered me. So I ask myself, are these dreams signs? What do they actually mean?

Yesterday around 3pm, I took a nap because I wasn't really feeling well. My legs were hurting from the other day because I ran from our house to the movie house just to catch a movie -- because there were not much buses that time. There was one, but I wasn't near a bus stop. Anyway, so I slept for four hours -- woke up at 7pm. As usual, after waking up, I don't really feel like myself, especially if I remember what happened in my dream. I sit for a while, try to remember what happened, because everything felt real, as if I was really there.

So I was with a group of friends -- and basing from how they look, I haven't really met them in person, but I've read somewhere that these are not imaginary. These are real people I haven't met yet. Anyway, we were going to this party, and for some reason, (you know how dreams change just like that) as we were going down the building, it felt like riding a horror train. It just kept getting dark, and at some point, when it got darker, me and my other friend just suddenly fainted after someone from our right then our left shouted at us out of nowhere, trying to scare us. I guess we fainted after we hit our heads when we fell down. Then I woke up on my bed, and my other friend who also fainted was sitting right beside me waiting for me to wake up. She then hugged me, and I kissed her on the cheek, and at least we were okay.

Just this morning, after waking up at 8am, I had a set of dreams. One of them I guess is as scary as the one before, but the other two that I can remember is just weird. So I was with two friends (again I haven't seen there faces ever) and we entered this house -- it even looked like our house before. We were trying to look for something I think, I really can't remember. At some point, my friend and I decided to go out of the house, only to find out there were a couple of SWAT people I think, pointing their guns at us. So when my friend decided to make a run for it, she ended up getting shot. I was by the door, wiping my face with my handkerchief, and the SWAT person sitting on the window told me to go back inside, but I didn't and made a run for it. I ended up getting shot, I was there on the ground, face first. I felt each shot with pain, but for some reason I was still breathing, but just lying on the ground. If kind of felt like from the movie "Quarantine" where you will get shot by the SWAT team outside if you go out and escape.

My other dream was I was with a group of friends again, and this time I know how they are. I just can't remember who the others are but for sure they're my friends. So that was a big group of friends, but we have to be separated because we were in a restaurant we we have different orders. As I remember, we were having dinner, and after we had a few rounds of beer. We were even waiting for our other friends to come but they were not able to make it. In relation to this dream, my next dream was the next day I think. I went to this school, and as a transferee. Before even showing the documents to the secretary, I decided to go have a look around the school, and as I remember I was looking for this long time friend of mine, but also trying to avoid some people as to not get in to trouble. Anyway, after 20 min I think, because I remember looking at the clock, and that was already 11:30am, I went back to the office to present my documents to the secretary, and everything was done. So I went to have a look around again, and I remember seeing a couple of friends, and even a relative there. I remember telling one of my friends there that we were waiting for him last night (the other dream).

So as usual, I looked up for their meanings. I really can't find the exact meanings if I try to explain my dream, but this is what I got:

1) To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster, represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents. 

To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing feelings of self-doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life. Perhaps you are having second thoughts about a decision you have made. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life. 

2) To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation.

3)  To see or drink beer in your dream, represents happiness, fogginess, or inspiration. It also indicates that you have quite a social life.

To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend, indicates positive news. 

To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities. Things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend suggests that you have been acting in a childish manner. You need to start acting like an adult. 

To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. If you are still in school and dream about school, then the dream may just be a reflection of your daily life and has no special significance. 

Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience.

I really don't know how I feel right now, as I am not really sure what these dreams mean -- why should I dream of them, and why do some of my dreams contradict with each other? Some of my dreams show negativity, and some show positivity. I don't know what's the next thing for me to do, or who I should talk to, if I should tell this to someone, or what. I'm just not feeling like myself right now. I feel like I'm on an island all by myself, without anyone to approach, nothing to do.

Everything just really hurts right now..

Complicated

What we want, isn't always what we get in the end. It's usually what we need, and we just learn to appreciate them, even if it's not really what we desire.

I guess, things are just really temporary. One day, you'll get something, appreciate it, get attached, learn to love it, and next thing you know.. It's out of your life. Then, something new comes along. It's always like this, it's a never ending cycle.

Another thing is, I guess we really can't compare our lives with those we read from books, magazines, comics, or even watch on television or movies. Yes, those are based on real-life experiences, but aren't they, at the same time, over-exaggerated?

Sometimes, we dream or imagine about ourselves having better lives -- being a superhero to someone, having those special powers, acquiring the latest gadgets, or even being with the person we love the most. But, once we go back to reality, that's it. There's nothing else we can do, but just to dream again. What's hard about this is, if we believe that something like that can happen, we'll just be living a lie. We'll just be living in this fantasy world where we believe that what we want as of the moment can happen just like that.

What sucks about something like this is, we always tell ourselves that one day, this can happen to us too.  So we'll just keep on believing, even if we know deep inside of us, it's just another dream that can only happen in our minds, just another page in our book.. Just, something we created, to help ourselves feel better. And one day, all the pain will just sink in, and drown us.

Sometimes, I often get stuck in this imaginary world, especially when it comes to being someone's special person. I often dream about being a superhero, as the superhero (most of the time) gets to be with the person they love in the end. But, I guess that can only happen in my imaginary world.

Life's complicated, isn't it?

Letting Go

In relation to my last post, I guess goodbye can also mean to let go, -- may be temporarily, or may even be permanently. To let go means to not really forget, but to just move on, and keep moving forward. But, letting go has never really been easy for everyone, especially those who have really invested/worked really hard for what they want.

Some people always talk like letting go is that easy, but really, it isn't. The process goes like this: try not to live in the past, keep yourself busy all the time, and always try to stay positive, whatever happens. If ever you're reminded of the past, just think of it as a challenge for you to do better. It's like that every time, but when you're put in the situation, it can really challenge you.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, you will always be reminded of something from the past. You will always end up thinking of the "what if's" instead of the what already happened and what you can do about it.

The question that I have been asking myself for a long time now is, how can someone be happy, or at least try to be positive, when all that he ever wanted, everything that he dreamed of, just vanished in front of him? Yes, some things happen for a reason, and something better will always come after. But, has this really been proven? What if what you used to have is the one thing that can bring happiness in your life? What if it's still better compared to what comes next?

Life is just a cycle: some things enter our life, and at some point in our time, we just have to let go, no matter how hard it is. We will never learn the proper way of letting go, and we will always have those scars to remind us of how happy we were before, and how much it hurt when it's time to say goodbye.

Goodbye

Everyday, there are certain words we use without really thinking of what they exactly mean, as a single word can mean anything depending on how they are used. A single word can change a lot of things, from one situation to another.

One of the most used words (as I know of..) is the word "goodbye" or in a shorter version "bye". This is often used when we're about to part ways with someone, or even something, we may be close with, or just to have a proper manner of leaving something. But when we say it, what do we really mean by it? Does it mean "See you soon/some other time/etc"? Or maybe "We'll keep in touch." or it's one of those times where you will never see or hear from each other again?

In my life I've had to say goodbye to a lot of people and things in my life, and it wasn't really that easy for me. I grew up to be someone who gets attached easily to someone/something, or just someone who loves company and finds it hard to part ways with someone/something. I'm someone who grew up, and learned to love whatever comes my way, and find it hard to just let go when it's time.

Goodbye, is a short, yet very complicated word when used. It can bring joy to someone, as it can mean to looking forward to another day seeing you, or it can also break you in to pieces, as it can be permanent -- depending on the situation, maybe because of problems, or even death.

So, when we say goodbye, what do we really mean by it? How do you properly say goodbye, without having anyone get hurt?

Year One

It's been a year and 2 weeks since my life changed, has turned to a whole new level, and made me a different person. It's been a year and 2 weeks since my eyes were opened to a new world, a world full of opportunities, a world with a new beginning. But, not everytime something like this happens, means it's for the better; doesn't necessarily mean it's doing any good. And, some things just don't change in a snap.. Or, not even at all. Some things, are just really meant to stay.. Forever..

People say, things always happen for a reason, and we will never really know what those reasons are, because when something happens, it's followed by something else, and it just goes on and on. It's a cycle of events. But, how will we know if what we have right in front of us, is the one thing that will stay with us forever? The one thing that we can't ever let go, whatever we do?

When you fail at something, we must always try to get back, and make up for what has been lost. But, sometimes.. There's really nothing we can do about it, especially if we feel that what we lost, is the one thing that has been keeping us going all this time; the only thing that makes us say "I love life."; especially of we think what we lost is the best for us.

Sometimes in life, what once made us really happy and complete, is also the one thing that's stopping us from feeling alive.

Life is hard, and will always be hard. The problems will always be there to bother us 24/7, and answers will always be hard to find. But, that doesn't mean we will just give up with life. Life goes on, and the only thing we can do is move forward, no matter how hard it can be.